What makes a Good Mom?

By Jenn

I've been wondering lately: What makes someone a good mom?

(Or dad. I will be using "mom" generically because, well, let's face it, I am a mom. I know nothing of being a dad. So, for the wonderful and much loved dads here, this is not exclusive to the female parent.)

I found myself saying to my best friend the other day, "I'm just so scared that I am not a good enough mom and that by working full time at home, I really won't measure up anymore."

Measure up to whom? 

We all know it's easy to point out the bad parents, the ones who are neglectful or abusive or don't care one bit about their kids. The worst of the lot are easy to see. And we do all we can do to protect the children from them. But what about the "good mom"? 

Is there a long list of "Good Mom" qualities that you must have in order to pass the test that you really can't study for? Is there someone keeping score somewhere?

Who decides who is a Good Mom?

Is it the Mom who logs in the most hours volunteering? Or the Mom who worked extra hours this month so her son could get those new cleats for soccer that he wants so badly?

Is it the Mom who went through 20 hours of labor without medication? Or the Mom who asked for an epidural while still at the hospital door?

Is it the Mom who won't let her kid watch any movie with a rating higher than PG? Or is it the Mom who lets them watch an R-rated movie, but watches it with them so that she is there for questions or censoring?

What about the Mom who makes her children do a lot of chores and work around the house? Or perhaps the Mom who cleans her children's rooms and washes their clothes for them?

Could it be the Mom who makes sure every meal is a balanced meal, no matter what? Or the Mom who is always willing to pick up the phone and order a pizza?

Is there a scorecard? Does it go on your permanent record?

Last week, when my son was sick, he answered these questions for me. He was restless and upset and running a low grade fever. So, I snuggled up to him in his bed and began to rub his back, talk to him, tell him stories. After a while I felt him relax and could tell he was drifting off. But just before he did, he turned his sleepy eyes towards me and said in a voice just barely audible, "I love you. You're the best mom in the world."

It was all clear to me then. It doesn't matter what the "model" mother should be. There is no Standard Mother Behavior that makes someone a Good Mom. The critics make no difference to me.  There are only three people whose opinions matter when it comes to this topic. 

And I received a rave review from one of them.

Jenn is a 36-year-old freelance writer and mom who works from the Texas home she shares with her husband and three children.

Comments

[kelly]

For all you moms that are trying to make sense of raising boys, and do it well, check out a book called Preparing Him for the Other Woman by Sheri Rose Shepherd. This book has some invaluable advice.

[Karen]

Exactly! Sometimes I think we worry too much about what others think. Good post!

[RobinP]

I almost wrote about this for my next post but changed it to something else. I guess this topic goes through every mom's mind.

As for me,I always joke that I'm the worst mom in the world. Yesterday we had a sleet storm and the wind was horrible. When I spoke to Rich around 11am he asked me to dismiss Lillianna early because the roads were slick and he didn't want me to battle the pick-up traffic.I hadn't realized the driving was so bad. Rich rarely speaks up about anything so when he does,I listen.

I took her out at 1pm and she was so grateful that I did. I also told her we were skipping dancing school because I didn't want to drive in the ice. At first she was sad. Then when we left school to walk to the car and she realized what the weather was like she said,"That's fine with me. I don't want to go out again today!!"

As we snuggled in our jammies she thanked me for dismissing her and told me I was the best mom in the world.I told her it was Rich's idea. She knows we are always looking out for her and trying to keep her safe.

Children know when you love them whether you're making a balanced meal or pouring them a bowl of Frosted Flakes for dinner.
A child who is loved feels safe and protected.

If there is someone who is out there keeping score,I pity them. They should be hugging their child.

Great post!

[Donna]

On good days, I feel like a good mom. The rest of the time, I find myself comparing me with the other moms I know (the ones who are crafty/volunteer more/playful/ etc. etc. etc.) and know I cannot measure up. But the bottom line is my relationship with own daughter. I may not be able to be all things to her, but at nearly 11, she still likes to have me around. And other people (parents, teachers, family) always tell me (unsolicited) what a wonderful kid she is. So I figure I must be doing something right. And so your conclusion - the mom who gives her children what they need - is probably the only criterion we should be using.

[Jan Katz]

I think everyone is just the best mom they know how to be- and that is good enough!

[Ishkabibble]

I think you've identified a Good Mom without using the actual words: it seems she recognizes and fills her kids' needs as they evolve. So, when my son is melting down and I massage his feet, or when my daughter is feeling unhappy and we make dinner together, I believe/hope I'm showing them that they can rely on me.

[maria]

It's funny - I was just having this sort of internal discussion... My husband tells me often I'm a good mom - probably because he knows I need to hear it. But what makes it true. Was I a bad mom today when in my rush to get out the door to work I didn't give #2 son extra cuddles - but the kid did worm his way into my bed at 3am and I spent 3 hrs snuggled w/him at the foot of my bed and another hour sandwhiched b/t him and his dad. When was I a better Mom to #1 son - when I suggested we make sugar cookies or when I kept my cool when the mixing bowl w/sugar and butter went crashing to the floor? Does that make me a bad mom when I lose my cool? What about my poor third child - will the ten minutes I spent focused on her last night playing and giggle and marveling in how we could produce such a beautiful little girl - make up for all the times I take advantage of the fact that she can entertain herself?

I guess when #1 son tells me I'm the best Mom in teh world I believe it and when #2 is throwing is tempertantrum and tells me I'm the worst - I don't;)

Thanks for the great post

[cooper]

Ok Jenn, this was the sweetest valentine for all us moms. Thank you -- while I wipe away my little tears.