DotMoms

DotMoms Daily: Interracial marriages, frozen babies, Potter pre-orders and more

Photo: AP/Mike Derer

New today:
> After 40 years, interracial marriage flourishing (AP/ABC)
> 1st U.S. baby born from frozen sperm, egg (AP/CNN)
> A year after soda ban, healthier food in schools (Reuters/MSNBC)
> 'Potter' pre-orders break bookseller record (Reuters)
> Teenage riddle: Skipping class, mastering chess (New York Times)
> PARODY: Majority of parents abuse children, children report (The Onion)

New this week:
> Smoking in pregnancy tied to mental problems (Reuters)
> Breastfed high-risk kids still become obese (Reuters)
> TV-less family dinners best for healthy eating (Reuters)
> He's not my grandpa, he's my dad (The New York Times)

Translating "Guy Speak"

By Amber

We recently headed up to the mountains with some of our favorite neighbors: Andy, Meredith and baby Maddie. This trip has been a long time and coming. Well, only technically two-months-and-coming because we had to cancel our originally-scheduled date back in January due to The Plague. You know. That two-month sickness I may have mentioned once or twice.

We made this same trip last year and it was one of our best family vacations ever. We hoped to have a repeat performance but were not ignorant enough to believe the planets could align twice in one lifetime for us. Well, maybe Pluto could perform but we all know what happened to that poor planet.

Against all odds, the weekend started off great. Meredith had been lamenting that we were going to miss The Baby Sale of the Century on Saturday. You see, Denver has these cool events a few times a year that are like a gazillion garage sales pooled into one. Women stand in line for hours like vultures waiting to attack. As a non-shopper, I was one of their prey my first time around and am still waiting for the footprints to fade off my back.

Meredith, on the other hand, is of the assailant variety and successfully begged the sale organizer to let us in for the Sneak-a-Peek on Friday at 7 p.m., well after we were supposed to leave for our trip. And so she called me with a proposal, which I then relayed to my husband Jamie.

Now, let me preface this by saying Jamie had a hellacious week at work. The ulcer-inducing kind. And so I approached him with some trepidation.

"Hey, Meredith called and she said we're able to do the preview."

Grunt.

"And, and, and Andy had the brilliant idea that Meredith and I should stay for the sale and drive up afterwards. Then you and Andy could carpool right after work with the kids. You know: a Guy's Night Out!"

(You know. Crammed in a car with three irascible and screaming kids for a couple of hours. Party on!)

Blank stare.

"So, what do you think? Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"I've just officially hit rock bottom."

"So, I'll take that as a yes?...."

Amber is a former adventure-travel writer turned adventurous unraveling mother to two-year-old Hurricane Hadley and baby Bode.

DotMoms Daily: Marriage, mental illness and more

Photo: Associated Press

In the news today
> Welcome to my world, don't bring your stuff
> 10 rules for babyproofing your marriage
> On hit lists, teen anger finds an outlet

In the news this week
> Hysterectomy rates have declined
> Kids with mental illness often rejected socially
> ADHD drug use for youth obesity raises ethical questions
> Smoking may impair teens' attention

DotMoms Daily: Modern moms spend more time with kids

Photo: Carol Guzy, The Washington Post

Today's headlines
> Painful sex common after giving birth
> Despite 'mommy guilt,' time with kids rising
   Related: Fathers no longer glued to their recliners
   Also related: Graphic of time spent with kids
> Final Harry Potter book: 784 'green' pages
> Girls' fertility chartbook stirs debate
> Secret to slim kids: 15-minute spurts of activity
> The power of peppermint is put to the test
> Consumer Reports flunks its own review process
> Pet food recall has owners searching for answers

DotMoms Daily: Early anxieties, girls going wild, and more

Photo: Ruth Fremson/The New York TImes

In family-related news:

Calming Advice for Baby Worries (CNN/Parenting)

A Place to Turn When a Newborn Is Fated to Die (The New York Times)

Parents Should Look for Autism Signs Early (ABC News)

Young Love: Is it Romance or a Sex Crime? (The Miami Herald)

Comic Book On Rape Aimed At Young Latinas (AP/CBS News)

Teaching My Girls How to Gamble (Slate)

Sorority Accused of Kicking Out Members Based on Looks (AP/CNN)

Want Your Orders Carried Out? Then Stop Nagging! (ABC News)

Marriage is hard work

By Robin P.

"Guess who's getting divorced?" I asked my husband Rich, sadly. He thought for a moment and then named one of my friends. I was stunned. "How did you know?" I was completely floored that he would've guessed this particular couple. He was silent for a moment and then said quietly, "I was kidding."

Of the eight weddings Rich and I have been to over the past 13 years, five of them have ended in divorce. My marriage could have been one of them.

In 2003, Rich announced he didn't want to be married anymore and he was leaving. It came out of nowhere to me, and I was absolutely stunned. Sure we had problems, who didn't? I thought couples just worked them out. I was willing to try counseling again but Rich didn't want to.

One month later we moved out of the house we were renting. Lillianna and I moved into an apartment and Rich moved in with his friend down the street from us. It was one of the worst times in my life. I thought we'd be together forever. Apparently forever was only going to be nine years.

After six months, Rich said he was willing to try counseling again. Luckily, our new therapist was wonderful and he helped to save our marriage. It hasn't been an easy road, but we both know that we love each other and we want to make our marriage better than it's ever been.

I jokingly blame my parents for making me think marriage was easy. Growing up, our house was filled with music, laughter and love. I would often find Dad sneaking up on Mom to give her a hug while she was cooking. They were frequently snuggled up on the couch or in bed watching TV. They didn't fight. Mom occasionally rolled her eyes at Dad when he did something she disapproved of, but what wife hasn't done that?

I know their life was not perfect, but they made it look effortless. Maybe that's why I didn't think my marriage would be as much work as it has been.

There were times, especially during our separation, when I felt guilty about the effect this was having on Lillianna. She was only five years old at that time and it was so difficult for her. Now, at 9 years old, she can see the daily struggles that Rich and I are going through but I think it's healthy for her.

I think Lillianna is learning that marriage isn't all about the wedding cake and the presents. It's losing a job and trying to pay the bills, caring for a sick spouse, encouraging each other when one wants to try a new career, raising a child together and loving one another in good times and bad.   

I am so glad that Rich and I are still together, but I am very sad for our friends who are struggling with divorce or the aftermath of divorce. I can see how difficult it is for them and for their children.

Some of these divorces were mutual, but some were not and that makes it even more difficult for the spouse who didn't want to end the marriage. For those friends, I pray that their hearts will heal quickly and that they will be able to move on.

Robin P. lives with her husband and daughter in a suburb south of Boston.

I'm all out of nice

By Kristen C.

My husband informed me the other day that I am not nice.

I laughed.

And then told him I save all my "nice" for my daughter. And if I, per chance, have anything left to spare, I'm happy to send it his way.

But lately, "nice" has been a little hard to come by. I'm stretched thin living sans husband with my in-laws, nearly 8 months pregnant, and chasing after a 2-year-old. And after being asked "What's that?" about 2,409 times a day, and fending off multiple requests for candy that are usually made in a heinously whiny tone, I use up about all the nice that I have left.

I'd usually laugh and internally roll my eyes at my father-in-law waving my wet bra around on a hanger, my mother-in-law asking me if I know how to put a plastic bag in the small bathroom trashcan, or my husband complaining about his extra long workout at the gym.

Alone. Quietly running. With no diapers anywhere in sight.

Yeah. Must be really hard man.

But now, I feel pulled in way too many different directions. And I literally ration all my nice out to my daughter. She doesn't deserve tense responses or a frustrated tone, particularly when her grandparents are not the most patient, kind, and attentive folks who rely on television and large amounts of candy when called upon to babysit.

And so, I save all the nice patient loving understanding mom that I have in me for her.

I figure until I start getting some darn "nice" sent my way (or at least where I can wash and dry my own bras and not get instructed on skills I learned in 1st grade), it's drought season over here. Let's just hope it doesn't last too long.

Kristen is a former college music professor turned stay-at-home-mother/rock star to her 20-month-old daughter, Quinlan.

Snip Snip

By Amy H.

My husband and I have decided that we are done and, thus, that it is time to have "it" done. When we went to "the consultation," which by our southern State law I was required to attend, the doctor asked how long we had been thinking about having the "procedure."

"Well, let me see," I replied thoughtfully. "I'd have to say I started thinking about 'it' at the 20-week ultra-sound appointment with our second child. The technician said, 'It's a girl!' and I said, 'OK! One of each. I'm happy. We're done.' Then I really started thinking about 'it' again around week 35 when I found that I could no longer sleep without losing sensation in my extremities. I thought about 'it' pretty continuously during weeks 36 through 39 while I was whining about my sciatica, heartburn, shortness of breath, and on my way to the bathroom… all… night… long.

"I thought about 'it' every single time I tried to use my stomach muscles (like to sit up or to stand or to breathe) for about 4-6 weeks after my planned C-section. I thought about 'it' at 2 a.m. each morning during my daughter's first and second (and third!) month of life while I bounced her back and forth and back again across our bedroom carpet while she screamed her little heart out. She never really stopped screaming, so I've been thinking about 'it' pretty continuously for the past 2 years or so. She's a doll (you know, a little like those Edvard Munch dolls). But I'm done."

The doctor looked at me and smiled nervously, "OK, that's a bit more information than I needed, but clearly you've thought 'it' over."

Then the doctor jumped into his description of the "procedure" which is to include Valium, if needed, and an IV, if requested, but without a doubt will most definitely require a jock strap and a bag of frozen peas. I ignored my husband's pained expression and nodded enthusiastically at the doctor while promising to fulfill my wifely duties (i.e., signing the release –- and remembering the jock strap). He went on in great detail about the "injection," the "incision," the "cutting," the "cauterizing," the "clipping," and the "suturing." Turning a blind eye to my husband's strangely pale and sweaty appearance I eagerly inquired, "Yes, yes, Doctor, where do I sign?"

I'm joking, of course. I love my daughter. I loved being pregnant with her. I loved (almost) every moment with her since I learned of her very existence. I am a very happy mommy. And, I am done.

Snip. Snip.

How will you know when you are done?

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

Little eyes wide open

By Amy H.

This summer my husband and I made the long-awaited decision to dispense with the family bed. Although I could give you a lot of reasons why we maintained it as long as we did (believe me, I've had to justify it to many), and I could also offer plenty of reasons why this seemed like the right moment to evict the two minor occupants, it boils down to the fact that my husband and I wanted more alone time.

While any co-sleeping couple will tell you that you get pretty resourceful in such situations, the choices are rarely optimal -- the couch, the kids' beds, the walk-in closet (!). Also, since none of us are getting any younger or smaller and the thought of a twin bed with Buzz Lightyear sheets has lost some of its romantic charm, the timing seemed appropriate and welcome… at least to us.

My 2-year-old took to it quickly and most nights will sleep until 6 a.m. before wanting a snuggle in "mommydaddywoom." My 5-year-old is another story. He consistently fights sleeping in his own bed and often ends up in his doorway or the hallway at some point during the night. He also has developed the alarming habit of showing up in my face around 2 a.m., and it can take 30 minutes for my heart rate to return to normal.

I write all this as a prologue to the real subject of this post: our unexpected visitor. Suffice it to say that after 5 years of co-sleeping, my husband and I are new to the idea of closing and locking the door to "mommydaddywoom." When my husband and I realized with some giddy exuberance that the kids were asleep at 9 p.m. in their own beds (!) we decided to switch "date night" to that night and proceeded accordingly, without giving the door a second thought.

Well, one thing led to another thing, and that thing was progressing along quite satisfactorily when suddenly I spotted movement in my peripheral vision. A small someone, the same someone that has not adapted so easily to the change in bedroom policy, was there hidden by a well-placed silk flower arrangement (ala Stanley Kubrick's computer graphics in "Eyes Wide Shut") that probably saved us from a discussion that I hadn't planned to have with him for a number of years (like maybe 30).

My husband ushered our 3' 7" intruder back to Buzz's planet in the Gamma quadrant and date night ended with an anti-climactic discussion of what was almost seen by a certain space ranger and a sigh of relief that "the talk" could wait for another day.

Care to share how you handled your "little eyes wide open" moment (or are you wise to that new fangled invention called the door lock)?

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

You've come a long way, Daddy

By Erin

My husband is far from the father I thought he would be.

When I met Aaron, he had long hair, black Converse, and skulls hanging from his rear view mirror. He talked of never getting married, never adding to the world’s “problems” with more children, and he refused to say “I love you.”

Today he took both of our “problems” in the front yard to fly a kite. They ran around chasing him, and he kept scooping each child up, doting on them with kisses, “I love you’s,” and snuggles.

As they ran around, chasing the diamond with tails in the sky, I silently thanked society for allowing men to become more involved in parenting. Our fathers may have flown kites with us, but did they change diapers? Do the dishes consistently? Take ALL the kids grocery shopping every Sunday? Clean up toys?

My Dad was amazing, and gave us tons of love and affection. But he came from a very different school of thought and a different time. Men were involved in parenting, but not necessarily in the trenches of dirty diapers and administration of antibiotics.

Today’s father is delving even further into the fray as the father’s before him. It’s no longer “sissy” for him to show off his technique for swaddling. He can feel secure and proud carrying around your pink diaper bag while carrying the baby in a sling. He’s even sharing war stories of “who got peed/pooped on” with other soldiers over coffee at the office.

The National Fatherhood Initiative says children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers.

Now if we could only get them to give birth.

Erin Kotecki Vest lives in Southern California and is a writer and stay-at-home Mom of Jackson, three, and Hala, one. She spent nearly a decade as a news reporter and anchor in Orlando and Los Angeles.