DotMoms

Lights! Camera! Aaaand Action!

By Amy H.

“What do we do now, Mommy?” my second-born asks me impatiently from the floor of her bedroom.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she demands more emphatically this time, “Mommy, what do we do now?”

All the while I sit dumbstruck on a butterfly throw rug in a kind of fantasy-nightmare daze.

It seems surreal that a mere twenty-minutes earlier I had been standing in a noisy kindergarten classroom with my first-born, a 40-pound fledgling armed only with a Yu-gi-oh backpack and Power Rangers lunch box to shield him from dangers both real and imagined by his neurotic mother. On the trip home I was struck by the many critical life-lessons that I had failed to teach him in our five years together, and I wondered what we had done with all that time.

Now with my 2-year-old innocently asking me, “What do we do now, Mommy?” it feels like a profound question worthy of a months contemplation…or at least a blog post.

After years of preproduction, when Javi was born filming began on the set of “Our Family Movie,” and for the most part, for better and for worse, Javi has been in the directors chair. Sure my co-producer and I made the big decisions about securing financing for this low-budget indie flick, choosing locations for shooting and casting of supporting actors, but Javi basically called the shots, and shouted out “Action” and “It’s a wrap!” at his discretion.

When Isa came along three years later there was no hiatus; the camera kept right on rolling, and Isa found her place in the spotlight. She was comfortable being in the starring role but also relied on her big brother director for inspiration. And that brings us to the dramatic scene in her bedroom where there is foreshadowing of exciting new relationship developments between the star and the film’s producers and a much anticipated movie sequel in which the lead actress steps behind the camera.

Press Release: We, the producers of “Our Family Movie,” have nothing but the utmost confidence that Ms. Isa will figure out exactly what we do now when she makes her directorial debut with “Just Mommy and Me,” coming soon to a theater near you!

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

In the news: Lactivists!

August 1st-7th is World Breastfeeding Week and “Lactivists,” the term used to describe those who advocate for a woman’s right to nurse wherever she needs to, are in the news. 

While gatherings are being held all over the world to celebrate breastfeeding and its benefits, CNN recently ran a story about the continued lack of acceptance in America for mothers nursing in public places.  Despite the fact that breastfeeding is gaining support from the government and medical community, the CNN article notes that “Americans are squeamish over a nursing breast.”

On a personal note, the first time that I breastfed my son, Javi, in public I think we ended up with more milk on my stomach than in his!  I was trying to position him correctly without the help of his trusty Boppy pillow or the supportive arms of our usual rocking chair.  On top of that I was doing this “blind” with Javi completely covered by a cumbersome and all-too-obvious baby blanket.  He kicked the blanket in protest, and we both sweat profusely until I finally gave up and threw the blanket into the stroller. Although I lost most of my self-consciousness about breast-feeding in public after I became more comfortable with nursing in general, the self-consciousness returned when my nursing infant became my nursing toddler and I felt a societal pressure to keep our nursing private.   

One sign of America’s Puritanical streak with regard to breast-feeding is the number of complaints received about a recent cover photo on Babytalk magazine, a free publication read primarily by mothers with babies.  According to the CNN article, one quarter of the 4,000 readers polled had a negative reaction to the photo of a baby nursing at a woman’s breast, calling it inappropriate.  CNN further reported that, “In a survey published in 2004 by the American Dietetic Association, less than half -- 43 percent -- of 3,719 respondents said women should have the right to breast-feed in public places.”  Despite this finding, most states now have laws guaranteeing mothers the right to nurse where they choose.

I never considered myself a Lactivist before reading the CNN article, but I’m embracing the term publicly here at dot-moms.  I strongly believe that women should not have to feel self-conscious about nursing their children, wherever they need to do so.

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!  Are you a Lactivist?

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

Will you know? (a letter to my daughter)

By Amy H.

Dearest Isabelita,

Recently you and I took a big trip, Angel Cake. We drove the van through city traffic to get to the place where the airplanes line up and fly away. We handed a man your car seat to put under the plane, and you cried because it was yours. We took a train that went backwards really fast and played for half an hour on the moving sidewalks. When we finally got to go up into the clouds, the excitement from the day put you instantly to sleep.

Our big trip took us all the way to the other side of the country, Honey Pot, all the way to a hospital where your great-grandma lay in a bed. The sparkle in her eyes was faint this time, but it shone brighter at seeing your little face. Despite her pain your great-grandma played tickle games to put you at ease. After seven children, twenty-one grandchildren and twenty-nine great-grandbabies, she knew just what to do.

Isa Margriet, will you know the strength of this woman who was lying there on that day? Will you know the power of those beautiful hands that joined you in a pretty pink manicure? Will you know her courage to fight the awful thing that seemed to want her body so badly? Will you know the softness of her hugs and the sweetness of her voice and the innocence of her words?

I wanted you to have a form of her name (Margaret) because I admired her strength and her courage and her grace, and because I wanted you to know her. But today she is gone from this place (no more pain, only peace), and I wonder if you will know her.

Will you know her smell of rose perfume and freshly baked bread? Will you know the taste of her homemade root beer or soft coconut chocolates? Will you know the sight of her standing in her garden surrounded by enormous flowers and warm, sweet strawberries? Will you know the boundless love that she showed to every living thing, a love that drew gentle people into her life?

Will you? Will you know?

My sweet Isa. You won’t remember our big trip. You won’t remember the traffic, the plane, the train or the reunion with your car seat. You won’t even remember your nap in a hospital bed beside your lovely great-grandma or how sweet your entwined hands looked with your matching pink nails. You won’t remember her face or her sound or her smell or her spirit.

You won’t, but I will. And I will tell you, so that you will know.

Love,
Your mommy

In loving memory of Margaret C. Fenimore

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

In the news: Crossing the line with homework help

Have you done it?  I’ll bet you have.  I have too.  I have crossed the line with homework help. 

Before you gasp and shake your head disapprovingly, let me describe a scenario and you tell me if it sounds familiar.  It’s a few minutes before you must leave to get your child to school on time, and you are smiling smugly to yourself as you mentally complete your morning checklist.  Breakfast finished?  Check.  Kids dressed?  Check.  Mom’s purse, cell phone, car keys and Diet Coke?  Check, check, check, CHECK.  Baby’s diaper bag?  Check.  Son’s book bag?  Che-    Hey, wait a minute.  What is this?  Oh.  Forgotten homework?  Check.

He was in preschool and the assignment was to “draw a map of your bedroom.”  I just wanted him to have something to talk about during circle time.  So I did it.  Would I have done it if it had been his 7th grade science project on the life stages of the fruit fly?  Probably not.  But can you see how it might happen?  A busy family plus a frustrated child multiplied by yet another nights worth of homework and you have the formula for crossing the line with homework help.

An AP article recently posed the question, “At what point does parental help cross the line and diminish the task's value for the student?”   Richard Bavaria, vice president of education at Sylvan Learning Centers responded that homework should "reinforce skills that they've learned in the classroom. It's practice."  Bavaria went on to state that although parental guidance on homework is all right, showing children how to research the answer themselves is best.

When a child is struggling with a tough assignment, parents can try talking them through it and helping them to break up the work into more manageable chunks.  Other expert suggestions outlined by the article include showing children practical applications for school subjects (e.g., balancing your checkbook, figuring out the tip at a restaurant), creating an environment conducive to homework and designating a homework time (this step might have saved us the forgotten homework scenario described above), and expecting approximately 15 minutes of homework per year in school (e.g., 15 minutes for first graders, one hour for fourth graders). 

However, Anna Weselak, president of the National PTA, notes that if children are frequently complaining about too much homework or if it’s taking too much time to complete, it is fair to bring this issue up with the teacher.  Regular communication between parents and teachers is encouraged to keep everyone’s expectations in line.  Homework is important, but kids also need time to have fun, get exercise, and pursue other interests such as reading for pleasure.   

What do you do (or will you do) to keep from crossing the line with homework help?

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

 

The Rookie

By Amy H.

When we took our 5-year-old son and almost-2-year-old daughter to see a couple of NCAA women’s softball games we thought that all the scoring would be on the field. Our son had other plans.

At the first game he spotted the young daughter of the third base coach hanging upside down from a bike rack – a kindred spirit. They struck up a light conversation (i.e., “Hi.” “Hi.”) that evolved into typical 5-year-old play (i.e., screaming silly sounds to send each other into hysterics). They played like this for the remainder of the game but then left without a goodbye or even a sporty high five.

At the next and final game my son soon located his new friend but kept his eagerness in check. It took him ten s-l-o-w minutes to inch his way down the bleachers to her aisle and another five to make eye contact, but then he unabashedly poured on the charm: “You’re only five? I think you look five and a half!”

The play resumed from there, this time moving into the corridor and under the bleachers. At one point the squealing hushed, and I eavesdropped on the following conversation:

“You can kiss your sister, or your mom…or me,” friend said coyly.

“I choose you!” my son responded quickly followed by a self-conscious giggle.

“I’m going to keep my eyes open, but then I’m going to be embarrassed,” she smiled goofily.

My son paused, looked in my direction and then said shyly but excitedly, “You run away and if I catch you, then I kiss you.”

At this point they ran under the bleachers and out of earshot. I could see their feet and knew the plan, but I felt frozen in place. How did we get here? From the babe in my arms to the babe in the bleachers – was this really happening? Then it happened. My son’s feet inched tentatively closer until…SMACK! Quicker than a fastball across home plate, and with my reaction time slowed by indecision and lack of practice…Strike One!

The kids immediately ran out and the silly screams and hysterical laughter resumed once more. As the game drew to a close I told my son we’d have to go.

“Bye Kaylie,” he called out to her with no response.

“Bye Kaylie!” he yelled more emphatically but still to no response. He slowly inched away a little hurt and a little stunned.

I think my son and I will both need some recovery time in the off-season – and I’m hoping it’s a long one.

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

In the news: Cervical cancer vaccine

A friend recently e-mailed me to share a mother’s nightmare: Her daughter, a young and vibrant college student, was being tested for cervical cancer due to detection of a high-risk type of the human papillomavirus (HPV) at her annual exam. After reading the e-mail I turned to my own precious daughter and mentally added another ominous item to my “Things To Protect Her From” list.

Soon after, the New York Times reported that federal drug officials have announced the approval of a vaccine against cervical cancer and genital warts caused by HPV, the most common sexually transmitted disease. It is expected that the vaccine will be recommended for all 11- to 12-year-old girls (prior to the median age of 15 when girls start having sex). So far the vaccine has not been approved for boys.

The article notes that in the US, “about 9,710 women contract cervical cancer each year, and some 3,700 die.” The article also states that an independent panel of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention will decide who should get the vaccine on June 29th and is expected to recommend mandatory vaccinations.

While many conservative groups have come out in favor of making the vaccine available, some oppose mandatory vaccination because of concerns that the virus is transmitted sexually. It’s being reported that some who support abstinence-only education are concerned that the mandatory vaccinations will send the wrong message and ultimately lead to increased promiscuity.

Now lets hear from you. Is mandatory vaccination for HPV a means of erasing an item from our list of fears for our children or will it add another to it?

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

In the news: Ferber rethinks co-sleeping

When I fell into co-sleeping with my infant son it was not without misgivings.  I, like many others of my generation, was influenced by the work of pediatrician/sleep guru Dr. Richard Ferber (i.e., the Ferber Method) who suggested that solitary sleep was an important part of child development. Even my grandmother, a mother of seven, had advised me against co-sleeping.  However, putting my son in a room by himself at night felt more incongruous to me than I had anticipated, and simply put: co-sleeping worked for us.

In the most recent issue of Newsweek, Dr. Ferber revises his previously unsupportive stance of co-sleeping and states, "What ever you want to do, whatever you feel comfortable doing, is the right thing to do, as long as it works."  This “mom knows best” position is quite a contrast to the advice he gave in his 1985 bestseller, Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems. At that time he wrote, "Sleeping alone is an important part of [your child's] learning to be able to separate from you without anxiety and to see himself as an independent individual.” Dr. Ferber now tells Newseek, "That's one sentence I wish I never wrote.  It was describing the general thinking of the time, but it was not describing my own experience or philosophy."

Times have changed since “Ferberizing” was all the rage.  According to the Newsweek article, a 2003 study led by the National Institutes of Health found that infant co-sleeping “more than doubled between 1993 and 2000” and “that in a two-week period, 45 percent of infants spent some time at night in an adult bed.”  However, the article points out that while co-sleeping has found an unlikely supporter in Dr. Ferber (who still recommends that children be out of the family bed by age three), it is not being embraced by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).

The AAP's Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) task force recently advised  against co-sleeping due to their finding “that the proportion of unexpected infant deaths occurring while bed sharing has increased.”  Although researcher and co-sleeping proponent James McKenna argues that "bed sharing can sometimes be safer than having the baby in a crib because the mother is more alert to her baby,” co-sleeping is not without it’s safety issues. However, the AAP SIDS task force did report a reduction in SIDS risk when infants sleep in the same room as an adult.

So, in opening the proverbial can of worms, I ask you the following question: Does Dr. Ferber’s revised stance on co-sleeping reflect a reality of motherhood or will the pendulum be swinging back in another two decades?

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

Wouldn't it be nice

by Amy H.

Several times a day, my 22-month-old daughter, Isa, does something that stops me in my tracks. Either it’s an incredibly frustrated about to go mad so take a deep breath stop in your tracks kind of moment or it’s an amazingly awed about to become teary remember this one forever stop-in-your-tracks kind of moment. More often it is the former, but luckily there are enough of the latter to keep her around.

Lately in both of those stop-in-your-tracks kind of moments I’ve begun to wonder about those hallmark behaviors of toddlerhood, those terrible/terrific/tantrum-fortified two’s. Thirty-some years ago was I exhibiting these same behaviors and stopping my own mom in her tracks with my irrepressibility? I’m also wondering if losing all of those toddler tendencies can really be considered “growth” or are some of them worth hanging onto?

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could still…

• say “No!” to doing something you are supposed to do…just because you don’t feel like doing it?

• feel as comfortable out of our clothes as in them?

• say “Hi!” to everyone that you see in your day and believe they are thrilled to see you?

• run, jump, gallop or skip to wherever it is you are going?

• play in the bathtub until your fingers look like raisins?

• get so much excitement from a pair of shoes that you want to wear them to bed? (Okay, I haven’t lost that one.)

• notice every bug, rock, flower, leaf, feather, stick, berry, bird, squirrel, cloud, and puddle between your front door and your mailbox?

• dance wherever and whenever the mood strikes you?

• hand someone a book and they would read it to you?

• take a nap in the middle of a boring party? (My husband hasn’t lost that one.)

• fall down in a heap on the floor for a good cry when you are tired and hungry and mad? (Okay, I’ve been known to do that too…but wouldn’t it be nice if you could still get a popsicle after you calmed down?)

What toddler trait do you wish you could still get away with today?

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

In the news: Why aren’t women sleeping?

Late one evening a friend IM’d me that she was sent to a sleep lab to determine the cause of her insomnia and near exhaustion. Although I sympathized with my friend, I thought to myself, “I don’t need a sleep lab - the two sources of my sleeplessness and exhaustion are currently sacked out in my bed!”

However, I took my friend’s plight (and mine!) a bit more seriously when I saw the cover story on the April 24th issue of Newsweek. According to the article approximately 70 million Americans suffer from sleep problems, and "women are more likely than men to have insomnia and sleep complaints at every age except childhood.”

Why aren't we sleeping? "I've lost the ability to sleep deeply [since having children]," muses Allegra Goodman. Although this is a sentiment shared by many stressed out multitasking moms, the complexity of our lives are only partly to blame. Fluctuating estrogen (e.g., during menstruation, pregnancy, and menopause), sleep apnea (i.e., breathing problems), and restless legs syndrome (possibly due to low iron levels) are all getting attention for their links to sleep disturbances in women, and each of these have specific and effective treatments if diagnosed correctly (via a sleep lab, medical examination and thorough sleep history).

What's a woman to do? Sleeping pills are big business (“more than $2 billion in annual sales” the cover article states) but are reportedly most effective when used “to help people get over short-term sleep problems” and can make diagnosis of underling causes more difficult. A simple sleep routine can make a big difference (e.g., limiting caffeine intake, not using the bed for anything other than sleep and sex, a hot shower and cool room before bedtime). The National Sleep Foundation website contains helpful information on women and sleep, including specific tips for how to get a better night’s rest.

Tell us, why aren’t you sleeping? And if you are…please let the rest of us know how you do it!

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

Springing forward

by Amy H.

Delicate white blossoms had just erupted from the dogwood branches giving the impression that whole colonies of soft milky butterflies had chosen these trees as their resting spot. The southern sun had yet to reveal its destructive potential so the brave petals trustingly looked it full in the face, unafraid.

It was a spring day, much like today, six years ago when I experienced the loss of my first pregnancy. Nature seemed unspeakably cruel in the days that followed.

On that day and the days soon after the sun seemed impossibly bright and the new life budding all around me seemed a heartless reminder of what could have been. I felt like the world outside should have matched my world inside. It would have felt more just if it had been raining ferociously with cold, biting gusts, an unexpected late winter storm. Fairness was clearly not what nature had in mind for me that day.

My husband and I were recently invited to speak on a panel at an educational lunch series on pregnancy loss for OB/GYN nurses and office staff members. Along with another couple we shared our emotional stories with the hope that we might help future grieving couples to have a more sensitive and supportive experience.

We talked about moments that were handled well and situations that might have been handled better. We hoped that no other couples would have to sit in a waiting room with large-bellied pregnant women after learning the news that their pregnancy was over. We hoped that no other women would subsequently be faced with a hospital admission form that read: Are you pregnant? Yes or No.

Little did I know that a friend would put our audience member’s sensitivity training to the test when she experienced her own pregnancy loss soon after our presentation to the hospital staff. My hope is that sharing our story has benefited her and others in some small way. Sharing our stories, helping one another and hoping for better is what we are all doing here, right?

Looking back over the past six years spring looks different than it did before my miscarriage but not the same as it did immediately following my miscarriage. Dogwood blossoms are now both a sad reminder of what can be lost and a hopeful reminder of unexpected strength.

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.