DotMoms

Making The List

By Jo

I’ve recently admitted to myself that I am one of those compulsive list making people. This is not to be confused with the compulsive list making and completing people. They can actually finish their lists and have something to show off to all their friends. People like me however make the lists but rarely complete them.

I know what you’re thinking, why make lists at all then? Well because if I don’t, you will most likely see my children on a talk show in twenty years being asked “How has your mother forgetting to pick you up from activities ruined your life?” Lists are necessary for the times my memory decides to take the day off.

Over the years though I have learned a few things about list making that have helped me immensely. Here are just a few of them:

• Keep your lists short and simple. The longer the list the less likely you will be to finish it.
• If you look at your list in the morning and instantly feel exhausted, it’s too long.
• Never compare your list to someone else’s. It seems no matter how well we’ve done we always feel like someone else has done better.
• Worry less about what you didn’t get done and more about what you did. You should feel a sense of pride for your accomplishments not guilt.

Has learning these things guaranteed I will complete my lists? Not entirely. Has it helped me finish more of them? Absolutely and better yet, I no longer feel stressed about the things I don’t cross off.

I’m also happy to report that in fifteen years I’ve never forgotten to pick the kids up from something. Well, maybe just the one time but that was before I started making lists. That one doesn’t really count, does it?

What things do you make lists for? Feel free to share your stories and tips on getting the most out of list making.

Jo is the thirty-something homeschooling mother of three miracles (15, 11, and 3) as well as a wife, poet, freelance writer, and MEN2a advocate living with cancer.

Learning The Joy Of Volunteering

by Jo

For many months, the kids and I have been discussing volunteering. Personally, I feel that my children need to learn to be less self-absorbed. They’re good kids but can be a little selfish at times. To me, volunteering is the perfect way for them to learn, build self esteem, and find the joy you get from helping others.

We had discussed several places already and came up with some good ideas, but nothing that really “clicked” for them. I wanted them to do things that are not only meaningful but they will also stick with. To our joy, about a month ago two opportunities literally fell into our laps. The library is taking applications for Teen Volunteers for the summer so my oldest filled one out. If he is chosen then he can put his love of books to good use for them. The second opportunity came thanks to a friend of ours who works for the local Wildlife Rescue.

The Wildlife Rescue takes mostly teen and adult volunteers, but my preteen is allowed with an adult who will take responsibility for her. Thankfully our friend said the preteen can volunteer during her shifts and she will keep an eye out for her. I don’t think I have ever seen my daughter happier.

So both kids have started volunteering twice a week. They do everything from cleaning cages, changing mats, making food, feeding the non-endangered animals…lots of “grunt” work which I think will be good for them both. They both love it and have decided that they want to be rehabilitators one day. It’s so nice to see my children actually into something that helps others. This just fits my kids perfectly. They are learning responsibility, kindness, and heck they are even getting a good Science lesson each time as well! You can’t beat that!

I hope this is something my kids will be doing for a long time to come. As for me, I’m still looking for something I can do with a rampaging three-year-old attached to my hand. Any suggestions?

Jo is the thirty-something homeschooling mother of three miracles (15, 11, and 3) as well as a wife, poet, freelance writer, and MEN2a advocate living with cancer.

Lessons “Burned”

by Jo

This past weekend I had the pleasure of taking a four mile hike with my two oldest children. Before starting out, we got together our gear and I made extra sure to rub both kids down with plenty of sunscreen. As an afterthought, I haphazardly smeared a little on my own arms, neck, face, and nose.

As we hiked up the mountain we were sure to pace ourselves so we didn’t tire out too quickly. (This was our first difficult hike together). The weather was perfect for a day outside -- not too hot and a light breeze to cool us off as we went. This made me wonder if I should have worried about sunburns at all.

It was a hard walk and although we didn’t make it all the way to the top, we had a lot of fun talking, joking, and encouraging each other along the way. After we finished our hike, I checked the kids and proudly announced that we had made it without anyone getting sunburned. We were tired but everyone was in one piece and feeling pretty proud of ourselves.

Later as I was sitting on the couch trying to relax, I noticed pain on the back of my right shoulder. Sure enough, I had missed a few spots with the sunscreen and now had several small sunburns across my shoulders, forehead, and neck. I had been so worried about the children that I had given very little concern to my own care, even though I am the one who burns the worst every year because of my light complexion.

So as we head into sunburn season this year, remember to not only protect the children with high SPF sunscreen but yourself as well. Have someone get all the little spots you can’t reach yourself so you don’t end up with a spotty burn like me. After all, it’s hard to have fun with your family if you’re too busy recovering from your lessons “burned”.

Jo is a 30-year-old mother of three miracles (14, 11, and 2 1/2), a wife to Vinny, a poet, an aspiring writer, and a three-time cancer survivor.

More than a scar

By Jo

In June 2005 I had a cancer surgery that left me with a large U-shaped scar on my neck. Since then I have had the misfortune of being initiated into the world of rude staring. You see, people seem to think it's OK to stare, avoid eye contact, and then dash away. It's not really the staring that gets me but the refusal afterwards to look me in the eye. I know you were staring so why not look at me and acknowledge me too?

On behalf of all of us with scars, here are some tips the next time you're tempted to stare at someone and then look away:

1. We know our scars are obvious. We realize that you're going to see them and be a little shocked. We're fine with that. Look us in the eye, smile, and acknowledge us.
2. Having these scars means that we've either been through something traumatic or had a surgery that saved our lives. We already feel self-conscious enough so please look at us and if you'd like to know why we have these scars just ask. Usually we're happy to answer you and share our experiences.
3. We really are still just like you. We do everything the same as you everyday. We are physically "flawed" is all. That doesn't make us any less of a person or make our feelings any less important.
4. Please don't make awful faces at us. We can see you. We don't want to have these scars. We didn't ask for them and again, we've obviously been through something pretty significant to get them.
5. Be proud of us. Support us. Congratulate us because you see, we are survivors. Survivors of cancer, abuse, accidents, and so many other things. It doesn't matter what happened to make us scarred just that we survived it and now live with these scars. We shouldn't be made to feel ashamed for surviving.

In general, remember that we are still people too and we are actually the ones living with this. I don’t just say this for people who may be scarred but anyone who may seem "different." It doesn't make us less human. If anything it might make us more human because we now understand the pain of others. Show us the kindness you would want to be shown if you were in our shoes. I'd be willing to bet you'll get the same in return.

How do you help your child(ren) understand physical and other differences?

Jo is a 30-year-old mother of three miracles (14, 11, and 2 1/2), a wife to Vinny, a poet, an aspiring writer, and a three-time cancer survivor.

Real-world Wonder Women

By Jo

Do you know that television’s Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter, left acting for several years to stay home and raise her two children? I mention this because to me, when Ms. Carter stopped “playing” Wonder Woman on TV she then took on the role of a lifetime: Motherhood. That is when she became a real life Wonder Woman.

We moms may not have bulletproof wrist cuffs (can you imagine doing dishes in those?), a magic lasso (though it would come in handy for wild children), or an Invisible Jet (how many carseats could fit in that thing anyway?) but who needs fancy accessories? We moms come specially equipped with many extraordinary superpowers like:

• Magic Kisses. Our magic mommy kisses can heal booboos, vanquish bad dreams, stop tears, and charm grumpy husbands.
• Soft Arms. These amazing arms provide safety from closet monsters, lovingly snuggle many children at once, and one hug can make all sadness in a child’s world just melt away.
• Super Senses. Every mommy comes standard with this awesome power. We can hear mischievous whispers from two rooms away, know a lie the moment it leaves our child's or husband’s lips, see through the back of our heads, and we always know who wrote on the wall without ever asking. Nothing gets past our super senses!

As mothers, our powers are endless. While TV’s Wonder Woman did a wonderful job of teaching a generation of girls about strength and self-worth, today’s real life Wonder Women go even further. We are raising the male and female “superheroes” of tomorrow. The future of the world truly rests in our hands.

So Lynda Carter’s character can keep the costume and fancy extras, for us real world Wonder Women they’d just get in the way. From the moment we hear our child’s first cry of life we instantly have everything we’ll ever need. How could a piece of rope top that?

Okay so maybe we really would love one of those bustier’s with the “W’s” on it for date night with the hubby, but that’ll just be our little secret.

What “superpowers” do you possess (or wish you did)?

Jo is a 30-year-old mother of three miracles (14, 11, and 2 1/2), a wife to Vinny, a poet, an aspiring writer, and a three-time cancer survivor.

Homeschool for the holidays

By Jo

In our home we have traditions and rituals for the holidays like everyone else. Of course, most of them were started “for the children,” but over time I think I began looking forward to them even more than the kids did.

This year promises to be our most exciting holiday season yet! Not only are we getting ready to celebrate but I’m also now homeschooling all three of my children.

Homeschooling offers a whole new perspective to everything we do. Suddenly, watching baby birds hatch becomes a lesson in Animal Science, measuring the ingredients for zucchini bread becomes a math and chemistry lesson, and preparing for the holidays becomes a homeschooling parent’s dream come true. To us, this time of year is like a huge study unit just waiting to be explored.

Everything we do this holidays season will hold even more meaning than usual. We won’t just be doing things, we'll also be learning why we are doing them. Celebrating Winter Solstice will lead to lessons on Weather, Geography, and the History behind it. My children will “meet” ancient cultures and understand why the day meant so much to them.

Around Christmas my children will again have a lesson in History as they are told of that day's origins and the meshing of traditions. Hopefully they will also develop an appreciation and understanding of other religions.

Even our decorated tree will hold its own lesson. On it will hang one ornament for every year of each child’s life. As we put them on the tree we always discuss what year they received them and why they chose that particular one at the time. In place of bright plastic garlands we will make colorful paper chains to symbolize the links that bind us together and strings of popcorn just for fun. Each ornament and decoration holds special meaning to us and by homeschooling I’m able to make them even more meaningful.

So this year after we finish reading "The Polar Express" on Christmas Eve (like we have for eight years now) we will reflect on all we’ve learned and then start our next and favorite lesson: The lesson of family, love and togetherness.

What lessons are you teaching your children this year?

Jo is a 30-year-old mother of three miracles (14, 11, and 2 1/2), a wife to Vinny, a poet, an aspiring writer, and a three-time cancer survivor.

Learning to be thankful

By Jo

Growing up, Thanksgiving was anything but picturesque and filled with family togetherness. At our house the holiday was filled with mean comments about the food, complaints about family, and the only thing to be thankful for was making it to dessert without a fight. I always wondered if this was how holidays were truly meant to be.

Once I grew up and had my own family I realized that holidays could be so much more. Thanksgiving finally became a day of good food, wonderful company, and thankfully no fists were ever thrown. I was able to teach my children to be thankful for all the things we had and not focus on what we lacked.

This year is very special. As a family we have made it through several cancers, surgeries, adjusting to life with a rare disorder, the loss of a loved one, and a job transfer that moved us across the country. It’s been both hard and busy, to say the least.

Having to go through our own trials has opened our eyes a little wider to the hardships of others. Our thoughts can’t help but be with the victims of this year’s hurricanes and tornadoes. The words “thank you” don’t seem like enough to show our gratitude to the brave men and women serving our country both at home and abroad. Joy hardly begins to describe what I feel knowing that I am alive and able to listen to my children do something as simple as argue over what float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is best.

I’d love to have the traditions and warmth from generations before to pass on to my kids, but instead they will grow up knowing they are a part of making new traditions that we can all cherish and pass on to the generations to come.

Jo is a 30-year-old mother of three miracles (14, 11, and 2 1/2), a wife to Vinny, a poet, an aspiring writer, and a three-time cancer survivor.

Husband by choice

By Jo

My husband is many things. He’s loud, obnoxious, at times mean, and sometimes too hard. He’s all those things but then he’s so much more.

We’ve been together almost six years now and it is truly the hardest thing I’ve ever been a part of. We have made it through several moves due to work, psycho exes, finding out I had cancer then a disorder, his father’s sudden death, and then finding out that my oldest two children had cancer and this disorder as well. Our entire relationship has been pretty rough but through it all he has been here.

Vin is also a hard worker, stubborn, responsible to a fault, faithful, honest, tries to be a good father to all three kids, and because of his love for us he has put his wants on the back burner several times. Heck, he even likes to cook and puts the toilet seat down! I have told him that if not for his mouth he’d be near perfect and to be honest, I believe that more each day.

He never had to be a father to my oldest two children. He could have let them continue not having one. Instead he has tried. Yes, he’s messed up a lot and I’m sure there are times the kids wish he’d go away but at the end of the day he is still their Dad.

He didn’t have to stay when we found out I had cancer and that this was going to be a lifelong struggle. He definitely didn’t have to stay once we found out the oldest two had the same thing. He could have decided it was too much and left. Instead he has been right here every step of the way. Through my surgeries, my kids’ surgeries, and everything else that seems to pop up.

Vin’s been the best thing to ever walk into our lives. I’m not saying he does no wrong but at the same time I’m very thankful for everything that he’s done right. Some days I want to choke him. Some days I want to hold him. But every day he is truly my best friend, and he doesn’t have to be.

Jo is a 30-year-old mother of three miracles (14, 11, and 2 1/2), a wife to Vinny, a poet, an aspiring writer, and a three-time cancer survivor.

Two years, nine months, and three days

By Jo

That's how long I breastfed my three babies.

My first son nursed exactly 14 days. Back then I was young and uninformed so the only reason I breastfed at all was due to reading that breastfeeding the first two weeks provided babies with important antibodies. After that he went straight to formula.

Each child brought new awareness and information, allowing my second child to nurse exclusively for four months. I was so excited, and then my supply dropped. That's when I had to start supplementing with formula and eventually gave up on breastfeeding. I felt good for nursing her longer than her brother but in part I still felt like a failure.

Eight years later, our youngest son was born. This time I was determined to succeed at breastfeeding. After a rough start, things were going great and then two months later my supply dropped once again. I tried everything to get it back, but nothing worked. When Aidan was six months old I began using formula supplements to fill his tummy. Eventually my supply picked up and we supplemented less. When his first birthday arrived, I knew we would continue our breastfeeding journey. As hard as we had fought, forcing him to wean just felt wrong.

I can proudly say we made it two years, one month, two weeks, and three days. Then we weaned because it was time for my first cancer surgery. But I think he was ready.

I realize now that I never failed. Having a low supply, being uninformed, having to supplement, or never getting to breastfeed at all is not failure. I did everything I could so my babies would be happy and healthy.

These days, I know it wasn't what I fed them that mattered as much as the love I gave them while doing it. I honestly feel that is the best gift we can give our children. Don't you?

Jo is a 30-year-old mother of three miracles (14, 11, and 2 1/2), a wife to Vinny, a poet, an aspiring writer, and a three-time cancer survivor.

"Average Joe" heroes

By Jo

As a little girl, my heroes were Wonder Woman and my cool third-grade teacher. Later, they changed to people like Amelia Earhart and Eleanor Roosevelt. OK, so I still thought Wonder Woman rocked! When I became an adult, though, I quit having heroes. There just wasn't anyone who inspired me anymore.

Then I read the story of Kent and Melony. Melony was the mom of five, a talented artist, and designed the most adorable outfits for kids. From a distance this woman seemed to live a perfectly charmed life. She always seemed so happy and on top of the world. Soon I found out how truly amazing her story was.

Kent was (and is) fighting a Stage 4 cancer and it's a pretty rough fight at that. Each update tells of a body that's getting weaker yet a soul that is still burning brightly. Neither of them ever complains and Melony speaks of Kent with so much love. You can actually feel it yourself. Kent shows his love by fighting and refusing to leave his family. Together they are my new heroes.

Kent has taught me to never give up because it's not really about me. It's about my family and loved ones. I've learned to always keep my sense of humor because of him. I know now that if he can laugh, smile, and joke with all he's up against then there's no reason I can't do the same.

Through Melony, I have finally witnessed unconditional love, unwavering faith, and the very epitome of grace. She is the kind of woman I dream of being.

Thanks to Kent and his amazing sidekick, Melony, I have heroes again. Even though they don't wear masks, tights, or long flowing capes, my "Average Joe" heroes still save the day. And all they have to do is keep being themselves.

Jo is a 30-year-old mother of three miracles (14, 11, and 2 1/2), a wife to Vinny, a poet, an aspiring writer, and a three-time cancer survivor.