DotMoms

Punching the ticket

By Leslie

I've always been a pretty laid-back mom, the kind who picks the pacifier up off the floor, pops it in her own mouth for a second and then hands it back to the baby. My sister-in-law once joked that I was so laid back with my first child that I acted like he was my third. So when we had a second child, I figured that life (and I) would pretty much be the same as with the first one. Surprisingly, the experience is quite different with the two kids, but not in the way I would have expected.

James was my first. With him, I did all of the obligatory reading throughout my pregnancy, anticipating the joy of watching him flourish. But when I was actually in the middle of watching him develop I felt like I was punching tickets all the time. "Oh, James is now eating rice cereal... check.  James is now standing up on his own...check." From my research I knew what the rough order of progression was in terms of his development and I fixated more on what was going to come next than on enjoying what was presently happening. 

I compared his development to that of all my friends' children, anxious that he wouldn't reach the next critical milestone on time. I focused so much on punching his ticket that I wasn't noticing how he was starting to spread his wings as a person.

Then came baby number two, sweet little Lauren, and my focus inexplicably changed. With James I was always impatient for him to talk or walk, but with Lauren I know she'll get there eventually and on her own timetable. I know what a crawling infant is like now and I know how tiring a toddler can be.

I don't look at the toddler snacks in the store anymore wondering just when she'll be able to eat them without gagging. Instead, I am happy to feed her as much baby food as she wants, my own delight rivaling hers when she finds a new flavor she particularly enjoys. The baby milestone books are gathering dust under our bed now and I haven't surfed over to BabyCenter in ages. Instead, I am enjoying the here and now and I relish seeing this amazing world through Lauren's new eyes. I don't want her baby days to end anytime soon, we are having too much fun.

So while in some ways I still act like I am on my third child (Lauren gets her bottles cold from the fridge and the "five-second" rule is more like a "10-minute" rule at our house), I find myself overwhelmed with the wonder of Lauren's development. Instead of worrying when she will reach the next step, I hope for just a little more time with her as a baby.

Oddly enough, Lauren was ahead of all her major milestones at her last doctor's visit. Hmmmm... I wonder if there's a correlation.

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband, toddler son and infant daughter.

Notsomuch days

By Leslie

My newly-married sister is hoping to start a family soon and I was recently trying to explain to her what it's like to have kids. 

Some days, I told her, are perfect. The kids are well-behaved, loving and endearing. Neither my husband nor I raise a voice all day; instead, we alternate between snorting from laughing at the adorable things our kids do to tearing up with happiness when we see our children learn something new. On those days, it seems totally right and natural to be a mom, like I was born solely for this purpose.

Oh, and let's not forget all the clever things that come out of our toddler's mouth or the sweet way that our 8-month-old gently rubs my face as she falls asleep. Even the laundry and the cleaning don't seem like chores because I feel so wonderful providing for these little creatures and helping them to grow!

Other days... notsomuch. You find yourself sitting on the family room floor playing with the kids and praying for bedtime to come quickly. Your eyes drift to the clock often, wondering when your husband will get home and relieve you. "He said he’d be home at 6. It's 6:01. Why didn't he call and tell me he'd be late!?  Just how many times in one day can a woman pretend to rescue a baby marmoset with Diego? Heck, what IS a baby marmoset anyway and why does my 3-year-old know and not me? When am I off-duty!?" 

Those days, dinner for the kids is a thrown-together plate of cheese cubes, baby yogurt, frozen peas and pretzels. The books you pick out for bedtime? The shortest ones you can find. And those recommended 2 minutes of teeth brushing? Nah, 30 seconds will do. After all, they are baby teeth -- they're just gonna fall out eventually, right? After a quick hug and kiss goodnight, you collapse onto the couch, exhausted and guilty that today wasn't one of those perfect days.

Can you guess which type of day we have more often at our house?

But regardless of how many of those "notsomuch" days you have, the perfect days keep you going, recharge your batteries, refresh your spirit and make you damn glad you had kids in the first place. There really isn't anything better than when your child tells you he loves you for the very first time ever. For that, I'd rescue a million baby marmosets!

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband, toddler son and infant daughter.

The mother who remains

By Leslie

One of my best friends lost her mom last week. And for a brief moment, I was jealous.

You see, my own mother has a disease called Pick's, a form of frontal temporal dementia. It's a degenerative brain disease that is often misdiagnosed as early onset Alzheimer's.   

She started acting strange about 6 years ago –- forgetting her way back home from her job, mixing up the times of day, and losing her sense of personal hygiene. It later progressed to inappropriate sexual comments about my husband, an obsession with candy and an insatiable need to hug and touch any child that she saw. Now, at 63, she is almost completely incoherent, incontinent and incapacitated.   

For all intents and purposes, my mom is dead. Gone is my "kissing monster" mom who planted kisses and tickles all over us before bed. Gone is my "cool" mom who once worked my shift at the deli so I could attend a Grateful Dead concert with friends. Gone is my "scholarly" mom who got her Master's degree at Georgetown University and encouraged me to do the same. Gone is my "stylish" mom who was always impeccably dressed and could decorate better than Martha. Gone is my "classy" mom who insisted we put the ketchup in a dish each night and not put the bottle directly on the table. 

Gone. Gone. Gone.

Left in her place is the shell of a woman who needs constant feeding, diaper changes and bathing. Much like my newborn.

Yes, I have a mother still, but I don't have a mom anymore.

And so I am jealous of my friend. She can now start her grieving process and begin the journey of healing. I cannot. My pain intensifies with every diaper of my mother's I change, with every spoonful of food I put in her mouth, with every bathtub full of water I run for her. It feels wrong to consider her dead when she isn't officially. So I put on a brave face, act tough and forge ahead with what needs to be done.

But in my heart, I am always grieving for the mom that is gone while taking care of the mother who remains.

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband, toddler son and newborn daughter.

Pump it up!

By Leslie

When people ask me if I am nursing my 4-month-old daughter, I am never sure how to respond. You’d think it would be an easy yes/no question, right? But for me, it’s a little more complicated. Yes, she gets fed breast milk but no, I don’t breastfeed her. You see, I exclusively pump (or EP as it is called by many moms) for our daughter, something I would have never have imagined six months ago!

With my first child, I gave up on breastfeeding after four weeks because it was just too hard for me. My son never latched right, he was jaundiced, it hurt like nobody’s business and he was such a voracious eater that I could never keep up with his demand. So we switched to formula, which solved all these problems and worked great for him. 

I’d look at the other mothers at daycare bringing in their little coolers full of yellow-topped Medela bottles, wondering why they were spending all that time pumping at work when formula was just fine. But secretly I’d always been kind of sad that breastfeeding didn’t work for us. It looked so much easier than formula bottles, which involved much dishwashing, refrigeration, and frequent trips to Costco. Plus, I worried that my son and I would not bond as well if we didn’t have that intimate connection. In the end, everything worked out very well and now he’s a happy healthy toddler. But with my next child, I vowed I wouldn’t give up so easily.

Sadly, my daughter had different plans and was not interested in nursing. At. All. So I figured that I'd just pump for a little while so she at least got some breast milk. I thought at first I'd only do it for six weeks tops, then that turned into two months, then three months and now four and a half months, I don’t see myself turning back anytime soon.

As it turns out, pumping is actually not that bad. I usually pump for only 10-15 minutes at the most and it is a great excuse for me to take a breather and watch some TV! The car charger and battery pack make it easy to take the pump along with me wherever I go and anti-bacterial wipes free me from washing pump parts all the time. I only have to pump four to five times a day and have even able to build a freezer stockpile of milk for a later date. Sure, it’s a hassle because I still have to wash and prepare bottles and sometimes making time for pumping is hard with a toddler and an infant in tow, but it is not the arduous task I thought it would be.

In some ways, it is even more convenient for me than breastfeeding. My daughter can suck a bottle down in five minutes, so even if I pump for 15 minutes and then give her a bottle, my total feeding time is 20 minutes. That's way better than the thirty to forty five minutes that some women spend breastfeeding.

She can also go four hours between feedings as she is getting more from the bottle. So I don't always feel like I am tied to the house or to her feeding on demand all the time.  It's also nice to have my husband more involved, too. Now that I am back at work, we split the nighttime wake-up calls 50/50. I'll pump right before bed and then just leave a bottle on the nightstand. If our daughter wakes up, whomever is "on call" just rolls over, pulls her into bed (she's in a co-sleeper in our room), gives her a bottle for five minutes and then she goes right back to sleep.

So when someone asks me if I am nursing, I just nod and say yes. It’s too much to get into the whole pumping explanation, but I am proud to be able to give my daughter the benefits of breast milk, no matter how she gets them!

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband, 2-year-old son and newborn daughter.

Shock and awe

By Leslie

3 weeks. 21 days. 504 hours. Give or take.

The countdown to Baby #2 is on and I am scrambling like crazy trying to get ready. There is so much I have forgotten in the 2+ years since James was born. Last time I devoured every parenting-related book or article I could find. This time, I've been too busy running after a toddler to spend much time reading. Will it all come back to me, like riding a bike? Do I or don't I use alcohol on the umbilical cord? What should the baby's temperature be before I call the pediatrician? How do I do that football hold again?

I've been thinking a lot about those first few weeks with James lately. Being a new mom is truly shocking, both physically and mentally. No one warned me that I'd be wearing maxi pads for weeks after delivery. Or that my back and shoulders would hurt so much from pushing that I'd be begging my husband for a massage every few hours. The sleepless nights, the breastfeeding mambo, the loads of laundry, the parade of well-meaning guests. It's all enough to make a grown woman cry, even one whose hormones are not off the charts! I remember just wandering around in a daze during the days, looking at my husband and thinking "Holy crap, what did we just get ourselves into?"

But I also remember the quiet hours of the night, sitting on the couch with my warm baby snuggled to my chest. The sheer joy and wonder of holding a precious new life is truly magical and I recall my thoughts turning from shock to awe. There is so much to savor -- the sweet smell of a new baby, that heady mix of baby lotion, diapers and fuzzy baby skin. How about those plump and juicy little ham hock thighs, just begging for a pinching?! Or the snorts and grunts that little ones make in their sleep? And oh those captivating tiny fingers and toes (I was happy to learn that even on a 9 pound baby, the toes and fingers are still teensy weensy)! When you cradle those miniature hands in the palm of your own giant hand, it's just astonishing that something so petite and fragile can exist. Truly awe-inspiring.

So as I prepare for Baby #2, I am trying to push the more shocking aspects of having a child to the back of my mind and concentrate on the wondrous aspects. I know we have a tiring journey ahead of us, but it's one filled with enchanting sights, sounds and smells.

What do you remember about your first few days at home with your new child?

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband and 2-year-old son.

Too much of a good thing?

By Leslie

My first boyfriend in college once told me that his family didn’t believe in saying "I love you" all the time -- if you said it too much, he maintained, it would become habit and lose its significance. You were only supposed to say it at special occasions and during romantic moments. At the time, I was convinced he had told me this just so he didn’t have to profess his love for me when his football buddies were in the room. But recently, while my son and I were snuggled in our comfy chair reading "The Big Hungry Bear" for the umpteenth time, I started thinking about what this boyfriend had said.

You see, I have a problem. It’s an addiction, really. I try to stop, but I cannot help myself. I don’t mean to kiss James on the head after every page and tell him how much I love him. But it is impossible for me to resist. I swear. I’ve tried! He’s just so cute and cuddly, especially all nestled in my lap wearing his puppy-footed pajamas. And it’s important that he knows how much his Mama loves him, right? Aren’t there some studies or something that can back me up here, folks?

My affection towards my son is just so innate and unforced that I am saddened by stories from people whose parents never told them they loved them. How can you not say those three little words to your kids every day (or in my case, every hour of the day)? Am I throwing the phrase about in misuse? Maybe it’s just a change in our society that has enabled parents to loosen up some and share their emotions? Or perhaps my compulsion is because of how I was raised -- my mother told us constantly how much she loved us, that we were her shining stars and that we were the best thing that ever happened to her. I grew up feeling safe, loved and confident that I was a good person. Heck, my mom was a good person and she loved me. What more evidence did I need?

All I know is that it feels natural and right to tell James how important he is to me. I sure hope that my telling him so doesn’t diminish it or make it any less special for him. Cause honestly, I don’t think I could go cold turkey. I even tell our dogs that I love them every day when I leave the house. Sick, yes, I know!

At this age (2), James puts up with my "problem" happily, but I am sure in a few years he’ll come to hate my incessant affection and choruses of "I love you's." So I figure I’ll take all the snuggles and smooches that I can get now, before those dreadful tween years set in and he’d rather everyone believe he was raised by a pack of wolves than admit he has parents like everyone else. Oh, the horror!

So was my college boyfriend right? Can you tell someone you love them too much?

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband and 2-year-old son.

Prenatal apologies

Dear Baby Number Two,

You haven’t even been born yet and already I have to apologize.

I am sorry I have had more cheeseburgers this time around and have exercised less. I am sorry I haven’t bought every single gender neutral newborn outfit at the Gap already. I’m sorry I haven’t read "What To Expect While You Are Expecting" cover to cover this time. I am sorry I sleep on my stomach more than I should and don't always remember to take those horse pill vitamins. I am sorry I don’t already have a name picked out for you and baby announcements addressed. Most of all, though, I am sorry I worry that it won’t be possible to love another child as much as I love your brother.

And you aren’t the only one to whom I need to apologize. James, I am sorry we are going to shake your world so much in March and that you won't be Mama's little baby anymore. I am sorry you have to move to a big boy bed so your new baby sister or brother can use your crib. I am sorry you'll have to not only share your toys, but our love, too. I am sorry Mommy cannot hold you in her lap as easily these days. I am sorry, too, that I don’t always have as much energy as I used to have. It will come back one day soon (I hope)!

But I promise, this will be a good thing for everyone in the long run. You’ll have each other for company, a partner in crime wherever you go -- someone to build forts with on the living room couch, someone to challenge in video games, someone to guide you through the halls of junior high. Best of all, you’ll each have someone to complain to when dear old Mom and Dad are driving you crazy! And when it comes time to decide on a nursing home for us, you won’t have to go through it alone.

Peanut, your Dad and I already love you like crazy and we’ll try to do our very best for you. We will offer you a lifetime full of love and support. I hope it’s enough. It seems to be working for your brother, so far.

See you soon! We cannot wait to meet you and to kiss your sweet baby nose!

Love always,
Your Mom

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband and 2-year-old son.

Co-moms

By Leslie

Every time I think about my twin sister, Kate, I am reminded of that line from the movie, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off": "If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up...."

When it comes to raising a child, I think everyone should have a twin!

My sister and I have always been close. We now live a half-mile away from each other and even work at the same company. We share a close group of friends, the same interests and a busy social calendar. I am pretty sure my husband feels like he has two wives most of the time!

When I was pregnant with our first child, James, I worried about how a baby would change our relationship. Would I still have time to shop for bargains at Marshalls with her? Would our phone conversations be filled exclusively with talk of dirty diapers and toddler-friendly snacks?   

Thankfully, I was worried for nothing. Having James has made our relationship even stronger! Kate is basically James' second Mom. From the day he was born she has always been ready to change a diaper, give a bath or babysit day or night. I am ashamed to admit it, but when James was only a week old, she even watched him overnight so that my husband and I could get some much-needed rest (bless the person who invited the breast pump!).

She doesn’t have her own kids yet, but her rec room is filled with more toys than we even own! Kate and I share the same views on how to raise kids and I trust my sister with my son completely. I know that she will always take just as good care of him as I do (possibly better since she was a child study major in college). I also know that if something were to ever happen to my husband and me, James would be in capable hands.

The only downside to having another co-mom is that James really does love her like a mother. The green-eyed monster rears its ugly head when he sometimes seems to favor her more than me. When he was around 1, we would ask him to point out people in the room. If you asked him where Momma was, he would occasionally point to Kate! Ouch! But how could you not like knowing that your child has someone else in his life who loves him just as much as his parents do?

Now that we have a second child on the way, I am hoping Kate will help ease the transition for James. I know she will be there to give him extra love and attention and maybe that will help him through the adjustment. Let's just hope she loves this second baby as much!

Do any of you have special relationships like this?

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband and 2-year-old son.

Holiday traditions

By Leslie

Why is it that when you are a child, the three and a half weeks between Dec 1st and Dec 25th are the slowest, most excruciating days of your life, but when you are an adult, those days just fly by?! 

My mom remembered the delicious yet painful anticipation of Christmas from her own childhood so when she had us, she started the tradition of celebrating St. Nicholas Day on December 5th. In keeping with this German tradition, we would put our shoes by the door of our rooms on the eve of the 5th. When we awoke, St. Nick had visited and filled our shoes with candy and other treats. We never thought to ask who this mysterious St. Nick was or why he was leaving presents for us. All we knew was that tradition gave us something to look forward to between Thanksgiving and Christmas!

I am a sucker for traditions so lately I’ve been researching how other families celebrate the holidays. Here are some fun traditions that we have either already started or will soon:

• Advent Calendars: We have a cute wooden advent calendar with small drawers for each day. I ordered a bag of goodies from Oriental Trading Company and will fill the boxes with them. A new treat awaits my kiddo each day!
• Christmas-Book-A-Day: A fun tradition I found online was to wrap up 25 Christmas-themed books and allow your children to pick one to read together as a family each night, preferably in front of your Christmas tree. Hide the books away until the following year.
• Adopt-a-Family: Contact your local social services organization and have them recommend a family who could use some help through the holidays. We take the money we would normally spend on gifts for our siblings and use it to make another family’s Christmas brighter.
• Holiday Activities: Write down 25 fun holiday activities (making cookies, driving around to see light displays, watching a Christmas movie, decorating a gingerbread house, etc.) on slips of paper and allow your children to pick one for each day/night counting down to December 25th.
• PJ Party: Give everyone in the family a new set of pajamas on Christmas Eve – You’ll all look good in the Christmas morning photos!

What are some of your family holiday traditions?

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband and 2-year-old son.

The joys of pregnancy

By Leslie

Heartburn. Swollen ankles. Nausea. Backaches. Constipation. Varicose Veins. Blah blah blah. Look at the cover of any parenting magazine and you’ll see a list of all the horrible ailments that strike when you are pregnant. Read those articles and you’ll wonder why anyone would ever have a child! But in my book, those things are all just minor annoyances, bumps in the road along a fabulously exciting, rewarding and amusing ride! When you think about it, there are some really great things about being pregnant. Here are some on my list:

• Attention - Some women hate the attention when they are pregnant. Not I. When you come from a family of five, you’ll take all the attention you can get! I like all the questions, the showers, the excitement and particularly the nostalgic look in another mom’s eye when my belly reminds her of her own sweet baby days.
• Baby Belly - I like the nice basketball that develops towards the third trimester. I even don’t mind when people touch my belly, something many pregnant women hate. Sure, in the first two trimesters, it’s a little weird when someone touches your stomach. Alrighty, if you want to believe that bulge is the baby and not one too many jelly donuts, you go right ahead. But after that, it’s fun to see your friends' expressions when they too can feel the kiddo move inside you.
• Sleepers and Jumpers - Oh goodness. Baby clothes. Is there anything cuter than sweet newborn clothes? I am hoping for a girl this time around just so I can buy all those pink outfits I’ve been secretly stalking at Jack and Janie. And why oh why don’t they make clothes that are as cute for baby boys? I don’t want to dress my son in Spiderman and sports jerseys all the time! Are you listening clothing manufacturers?!
• Reflexology - Alright, so this may only be a perk in our household, but when I am pregnant, my husband gives me unlimited foot rubs. Every night we snuggle up on the sofa and he gives my feet a fabulous massage, sometimes even with foot lotion. Oh joy of joys! Please, no one tell him that foot rubs are not medically necessary for a healthy child, OK? He’s just fine believing that little white lie of mine!
• Maternity Clothes - Woo hoo! No more sucking in your stomach to look thinner. Now is the one time when it’s OK to have a nice round belly. Relax that gut, ladies! And you cannot tell me maternity jeans aren’t more comfortable than regular jeans. I’ll take those wide expanses of soft belly panel fabric over button or zip fly jeans any day!
• Wiggly Worm - Every time I feel the baby kick inside of me, I am overcome with this intense feeling of awe and wonder. I cannot believe it. We did this. My husband and I have created a new life that is growing inside of me. By ourselves. How cool is that? Sure, sometimes it’s totally freaky and you just want the alien creature to stop squirming around inside of you, but most days it is the greatest thing going.
• Conceiving - Finally, I am eternally thankful and grateful that I am able to be pregnant. So many women have a hard time getting pregnant while others cannot have children at all. When I think about how lucky I am to even carry this child, all those other minor pregnancy annoyances like heartburn and hemorrhoids seem so ridiculous. I am blessed to have this child and I am going to enjoy this pregnancy (and uninterrupted sleep) for the next few months!

What do you like about being pregnant?

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband and 2-year-old son.