DotMoms

Progress reports

by Susan

The children brought home their progress reports this week. The format for these reports has changed radically since I was in grade school. Gone are the A, B, C grades -- now there are 8 new letters and I need to constantly look up their meaning in the key. It is also no longer politically correct to call them Report Cards, but I am not clear why it is better to call them Progress Reports.

We sat down with each child and went over their reports. Overall, they both got very good reports. Unfortunately, when we went over Erin's it did not go smoothly.

I remember someone telling me once that it is easier to believe the bad things people say about you than the good. I saw the truth of this while going over Erin's report. We went over at least 20 things on which she got high marks.

Her art teacher gave her high marks on everything except following rules. It said in the comments that she needs to listen to the rules and follow them more carefully. When we talked to Erin about this she forgot about all of the good things on her report and concentrated her focus on the art class comments. She ranted about how that wasn't true and she DOES follow the directions. She stormed off yelling that she HATES the progress report.

Not wanting her to feel that she got an awful report and was doing badly, I tried to convince that there were a lot of good comments on the report. I had her take her report and write down at least one thing in each subject that she was doing well.

Once she did this and saw that it was really a good report, she was more willing to discuss the art class comments. She admitted that sometimes she talked when she shouldn't and didn't do exactly what the teacher wanted all of the time.

She has promised to listen in all classes. We explained that if she is doing her best then we are not so concerned about not getting a perfect grade, but that it was unacceptable to get low grades in behavior.

We are also going to meet with her main teacher and her art teacher to discuss a way to track her behavior throughout the semester instead of finding out about it on the progress report when it's too late to do anything about it.

How do you handle progress reports with your child(ren)?

Life imitating art

By Susan

My children are big fans of the cartoon "My Life As a Teenage Robot." In one episode Jenny, the teenage robot, is sent back to kindergarten. She is playing pretend with the other children. They need someone to play a robot but they do not choose Jenny. She wants to be the robot and says, "I AM a robot." The other children each start saying, "I AM a robot!" over and over. This has become a common joke in our house -- each of us saying, "I AM a robot!" To my surprise, this family chant is turning out to be prophetic in my case, due to an ongoing medical condition.

I have been suffering from undiagnosed chronic pain in my right ribcage for about 18 months. My current course of treatment is to have a spinal cord stimulator implanted in my spine. This procedure involves implanting electrodes in my spine and threading wires under my skin around to my abdomen where a battery will be located. The electrodes send a signal to the brain that blocks the pain signal from my ribcage. Instead of feeling pain I will feel a pleasant tingling. Before permanently implanting the stimulator I will undergo a trial run in which they implant the electrodes but don't thread the wires. This means I will have wires sticking out of my back for a week. If I get significant pain reduction during that week they will permanently implant it. I'm not looking forward to being turned into Darth Vader, but if it relieves the pain, may the force be with me.

We explained this to our children (Erin, 7 and Teddy, 5). We debated whether we should tell them or not. We both think they are old enough to understand what it is and why I will have it. I was afraid that if I didn't tell them and they happened to see the wires, the would be upset by it.

Last week we told them about the stimulator and what to expect. They took it very well. Erin said it was "neat!" After thinking about it for a few minutes Teddy said, "Mommy, that's like being a robot! You will have wires and a battery like a robot!" He started laughing and we all joined in.

After having this procedure, chanting "I AM a robot" will have a whole new meaning.

A life of fear

By Susan

Within the last month, my 7-year-old daughter has suddenly become afraid. There were moments of fear in the past. It used to be that once or twice a month at bedtime she would be afraid of monsters. Now it is every other night. During the day she cannot be in any room by herself. In the middle of the afternoon or the dead of night, she will suddenly become afraid. There are even times when she will not go to the bathroom alone.

I have some idea what started this: I believe it is the recent Halloween spin of most cartoons. Don't get me wrong -- I'm an avid fan of Halloween. It just seems that every cartoon out there is having Halloween-themed story lines with ghosts and ghouls. e only allow the children one hour of TV a night but I'm starting to think even that is too much for her. These cartoons frighten her, yet she begs to watch them.

I worry that the damage is done and there is no way at this point to get her back to a life without fear. I've tried using reason (go ahead and laugh). I've tried using flashlights and comfort items. So far nothing seems to work that doesn't involve another person being in the same room with her.

Does anyone else have this problem? How have you overcome it?

It's Howdy Doody Time!

By Susan

If you ask me or any of my siblings what the absolute most annoying thing that my Mother did to us as children was, you will get the same answer. Every time we would ask, "Mom, what time is it?" She would say... no, "say" is not the right word ... she would sing the theme to the "Howdy Doody" show: "It's Howdy Doody time."

Here are some ways I annoy my children daily: Child: Mom! Where's my <insert any item here>? Me: On its way to China. Child: MOM!!! Child: What's for dinner? Me: I don't know -- what are you going to fix? Child: MOM!!! Child: Can I get a Popsicle? Me: I don't know, can you? Child: MOM!!! How do you annoy your children?

No, she didn't just sing it. She embellished it. "Iiiiiiit's HoooowwwDY Doody Time! It's Howdy Doody Time!" She would draw out the first word so that we all had plenty of time to know what was coming.

I remember my brother and sister and me covering our ears and screaming in pain at yet another rendition of this. We would look at each other and roll our eyes and stomp our feet and yell, "Why can't you just tell us what time it is?!" Then she would laugh at our ire.

If she was especially proud of herself she would dance around a little bit while she sang. All the while we would toggle between begging for the time and screaming for a reprieve from the accursed song.

Now that I have my own children I find I enjoy annoying them. I have yet to find that one thing that will routinely send them into foot-stomping fits, but I'm working on it (see sidebar). I figure if I'm a victim of the "Mother's Curse" (you know the one -- where they wish upon your children that they behave as you did as a child) then my children will be victims of the Children's Curse -- that they have a Mother as annoying as their Mother's Mother.

Although I have never once uttered the evil theme to Howdy Doody when my children have asked the time, I still -- to this day -- hear it play through my mind when they ask.

How do you enjoy teasing your children?

It's all about expectations

by Susan

We were driving along the highway a few months ago, and I saw a sign: "Pick Them Yourself - Fresh Strawberries." I thought about how it would be so much fun to take the children strawberry picking. I thought, "Oh what a great time we'd have. The children would love to walk through the fields picking strawberries."

Then I did a reality check and thought about what it would really be like. They would run amuck in the fields, stealing each other's baskets, smashing strawberries, terrorizing the other patrons, all while we, the parents, chased after them. They would try to eat the strawberries right off the vine, without washing them. They would insist on filling their whole, huge baskets while we begged them, "Please, it's time to leave." They would smash red strawberry juice all over their clothes. My son would spend the whole time picking bugs instead of berries. My husband and I would end up frustrated balls of stress.

I decided just to pick up some strawberries at the store.

I've found that doing this type of reality check before any outing with the children leads to a much less stressful activity. Nine out of ten times it does not stop us from going, but it does help us to understand that it is not going to be all fun and games. We've learned that if we go into a store expecting to, at some point, have to chase down the children, to tell them not to touch, and knowing, too, that we may have to leave early, we have a much less stressful time of it. This is not because the children act any better. It is mostly due to the fact that we understand what we are getting ourselves into.

When they grow up

By Susan

One of the most common questions children get asked by adults is "What do you want to be when you grow up?" My children get asked this all of the time. As a matter of fact, my husband and I are guilty of asking them ourselves, many times.

My 7-year-old daughter's answer changes with the weather. Sometimes she wants to be a ballerina, other times she wants to be a nurse or a teacher. On a number of occasions she has stated that she wants to work on computers "like Mommy." That one always makes my heart swell.

My 5-year-old son, Teddy, on the other hand, always gives the same answer. He has always loved creatures. Anything that squirms, flies, crawls, buzzes or hops is his favorite 'pet.' His butterfly net is his prized possession. Last summer, we pulled out an old aquarium from our basement storage. It has a prime location in the backyard. It is full of rocks and twigs and grass. Whichever creature holds his current fascination calls this aquarium home.

Right now, we are in the middle of a cicada invasion. There is a virtually unlimited supply of these slow moving, red eyed, winged creatures. He announces the count with each new catch. We are currently housing 17 cicadas. He has names for all of them: Freddie, Freddie the 2nd, Freddie the 3rd -- all the way up to the 16th, and the last one is called SpongeBob. I don't know if the next one will be Freddie the 17th or SpongeBob the 2nd. My husband and I have a bet going on this. He also has no qualms about letting them crawl all over him.

So Teddy's answer to the age old question is always the same: "I want to be an Entomologist. They study bugs."

Do any of your children have this level of conviction about what they want to be? What do they usually answer when asked what they want to be when they grow up?

"Or else" parenting

By Susan

It seems lately that my interaction with the children is an endless series of threats. I don't like always ending a directive with "or else" but it seems to be the only thing that gets through to them. I want to be able to say, "Put your toys away" and have them do it. I try that and it never happens. I always end up saying, "Put your toys away or else I will put them away -- in the trash."

The other half of the time I feel like a lobbyist -- perpetually bribing them to do things. "If you put your toys away you can get out that new toy" or "If you behave in the store we can go swimming at the YMCA tomorrow."

I've always been serious with the discipline. If I threaten a punishment, 19 times out of 20 I follow through on it. So I just don't understand why they don't listen. The bribes and the threats work. I just wish there were another way to get through to them.

I try positive reinforcement. As soon as they do something the first time I ask, then I hug them and tell them how proud I am of them. I guess my hugs just aren't that motivating.

Help! How do I get them to listen? Is it just their young age (5 and 6 years old)? Will they listen better when they are older? Has anyone found a way to get their children to listen without bribes or threats?

48 Step program

By Susan

A letter came home a couple of months ago from Teddy's teacher announcing that he is officially off of the 48 Step Sticker Program. He was admitted into the program due to unseemly, nay, down right bad, behavior at school. His behavior had improved so much that he no longer needed the sticker chart sent home every day. The funny thing is -- he misses it.

He wants his sticker chart back. Every once in a while he will ask to have it back. I think he became addicted to the "Great Job!" and "Yay, Teddy!" comments that resulted from a week of stars and hearts and bunnies and teddy bears and smiley faces.

I was not surprised when my son had behavior problems at school after starting Pre-K. We went through the same thing when my daughter started kindergarten (having not gone to Pre-K). I wish that her school (different from their current school) would have implemented a sticker program, or any method of communicating her bad behavior.

They did not tell me a single thing about her bad behavior until it grew so bad that they called me in to meet the principal. This had been going on for THREE MONTHS before anything was said to me. At first I felt bad about her behavior. She was disrupting class, disobeying her teachers, fighting with other children and anything and everything else she could think of to make life miserable for her teachers and fellow students.

As the teacher proceeded to read me a 3-page laundry list of her misdeeds I grew more and more angry. I was not, however, angry at my daughter. Oh, I admit to a little bit of anger at her but most of my anger soon became directed at the school.

The principal finished reading her list. I'm sure she was surprised that my reaction was not, "Oh, I'm so sorry my daughter is acting this way. I will do everything to make it better for you." Instead I responded with, "Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that this has been going on for 3 MONTHS and this is the first time you are telling me? How do you expect me to correct the behavior if you don't tell me about it?"

She was literally shocked and actually stuttered. I was so furious that there was absolutely no effort on their part to get me involved earlier. They allowed her to continue to behave this way whilst I thought things were wonderful. She was getting great grades (100% on pretty much everything). She was participating in school activities and had a few close, nice friends.

Erin did get a punishment at home for her most recent incidents. I felt it was unfair to punish her for everything that had happened over the past three months. She also got her first bona fide LECTURE. I think this, more than the punishment, is what set her straight.

Within two weeks of my getting involved her behavior greatly improved. I met with the principal a month later and there had been only one minor behavior incident. I also met with three of her teachers, all of whom said they were amazed at her transformation and she was now a pleasure to have in class.

To this day I am still baffled by the way the school handled this. The great thing about the kids' current school is that they have a "Communication Folder" that is sent home every day where teachers and parents can communicate about issues big and small.

How does your child's school handle behavior issues?

A deal is a deal

By Susan

As most of you know, I have recently gone through medical problems. On April 12th I had surgery to remove about 2 inches of my rib. The surgery went off without a hitch. There were no complications and indications are that it fixed the problem that I was having.

The hour before the surgery was the hardest. I had that time to myself -- until about 5 minutes before my surgery when my husband could come in for the I Love You's. That was probably the scariest 55 minutes of my life. I spent it worrying about going under, worrying about waking up, worrying about the biopsy, worrying about how my children would do without me. I think we've all occasionally had these thoughts. This hour, for me, was the first time it was real. It hit home. I was scared.

Somewhere in the last 5 minutes of that hour I remembered something that I'd told myself over the years while having children. At the end of every heart-wrenching movie or news story about a horror thrust upon a child I would think to myself, "If it were ever a choice between me or my child, please God let it be me."

That one thought magically took away all of my fear. I still didn't want anything to happen to me. I just realized that I meant that when I thought it -- I meant it to the core of my being. If God was giving me my part of the deal, then I'd take it.

I just found out that the biopsy was normal. I'm going to do something this year that I haven't done before: I'm going to donate money to the American Cancer Society.

There's no escaping genetics

By Susan

I used to wonder how much of our personalities originate from our genes. Becoming a parent has provided me with my own little science experiment. Well, not a science experiment where I actually have a procedure for proving my hypothesis, use a control group, and then use a giant magic marker to put my results on a self-standing poster board. I definitely lack the motivation for that. This has been more of a Wow, Isn't That Neat That He Would Do That type of experiment.

I was not surprised by the effect of our childhood, chemistry, or environment on personality. I think those are pretty obvious. I always suspected that genes played a role. What I never realized was that some personality traits could be specifically related to genes.

I realized there must be some amount of genetic contribution to our personality recipe, maybe a 1/2 cup or so, when my son became acutely averse to germs. Not germs, but GERMS.

When I was a child, my parents would tease me about the fact that I would never eat or drink after anyone. "Oh my gosh, my sister drank out of that cup, I could get her GERMS!" That was my mantra. If I accidentally consumed another person's GERMS, I would, depending on age, throw a tantrum, cry, or stomp off in anger.

As an adult, and even more so after having children, I have overcome my Verminophobia. I will now eat or drink after my husband and children. Consequently, my children have never seen me behave like a raving lunatic because of GERMS.

Over the last couple of months, my son has become a Verminophobe. He will not eat or drink after anyone. He said at dinner the other night, "NO! I don't want to trade drinks with Erin! She drank from that cup! It has her GERMS!" Whoa, major flashback happening...

Has anyone else seen his or her child display a personality trait you displayed as a child?