Frederick Busch's short story "The Talking Cure" begins: "Love is unspeakable." In our marriage, that's exactly right. The love is in the silences.
When my husband, Gary, is upset, he wants me to say, "Life sucks," then move on. But, I prefer to dwell on discomfort. I want to verbally poke and prod – probing emotions gently but firmly.
It’s unnatural for me to leave anything unexplored, even -- especially -- someone else’s misery; then, the play-by-play analysis has all the additional thrills of a spectator sport.
This difference in our styles is more obvious now than ever, because I’ve been afraid Gary has been suffering silently since we moved, eight months ago, away from his family and friends.
Here’s the pattern: I push him to tell me how he feels. He says “I’m fine” or “Life sucks,” and that’s all.
To Gary, the talking cure is worse than the sickness. Detailing the downside of every disaster only deepens the damage. Instead, he finds it therapeutic to watch TV, play solitaire, do anything but categorize and catalog his feelings so I can inventory them later.
So is he right or am I? It turns out we both are.
While there is some scientific validity to the idea that the truth shall set you free, the liberation isn’t in the power of the words you share, it’s in the power of the bond you create by sharing them.
According to one website, “Therapy has often been called the ‘talking cure,’ since the exchange of words between the client and therapist can appear to be the most obvious form of communication that is going on. In reality, therapy can offer a much richer experience than the simple exchange of words and advice. The thoughts and feelings you share and the professional techniques the therapist uses are not nearly as important as the relationship you build together.”
And so it is for the less formal techniques used by spouses. If it makes me feel better -- more grounded, able to take the long view or discover another perspective -- to talk, then it works for our marriage. And if Gary is done after a cursory review of the facts, then that’s OK too.
When things aren’t going the way he hopes, Gary wants only to feel he has an ally. A simple nod, and my silence, assures him that I’m on his side and can see the world through his eyes. And sometimes, it sucks.
I’ve learned from him that a little understanding does indeed go a long way, and that sometimes it’s better to just hold my tongue and hold his hand.
This LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.
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