My husband and I usually like the same people. More often than not, we dislike their spouses. We both gravitate toward people who are smart, funny and intellectual. So why are they so often in love with people who are blank, uninteresting and humorless?
I can count on one hand the couples who include two people we really enjoy being around. Usually, we love the women and tolerate the men. Why is that? Is this proof that people seek out their opposites? I know I did. Gary is level-headed, frugal and relaxed. In other words, he's everything I'm not.
Do people prefer one of us? I definitely do. I like him much better.
I've had perfectly good friendships ruined by a new girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse. In college, I even told a friend I thought her lover was holding her back. To my surprise, she agreed, but was willing to choose love over success. She got over the conversation, but I don't think I could quite understand her willingness to make the sacrifice until years later.
Ever since, I've been very careful to keep my mouth shut about my friends' choice of mates, unless I'm willing to risk the friendship. When pressed, I always try to find something positive to say, and I avoid the trap of saying something negative when the two split because I've learned the hard way that these partings are often temporary. No sooner have I said, "He's always been a bit self-involved, hasn't he?" than I'm opening my door and letting him in for dinner.
I was also on the receiving end of some unwelcome feedback about a relationship while I was in graduate school, and it ruined a friendship. Another student tried to tell me she thought the person I was living with was draining me of all energy and sociability. She was right, of course, and I knew it, but I, too, was willing to make the sacrifice, and finally understood what can happen when affection and ambition collide.
Although I'm certain others care what I think of their partners, I've learned not to ask what they think of mine. When my parents met my husband for the first time, they were a little insulted by this philosophy. At the time, Gary and I were living together, and we had just picked up my parents at the airport to take them to my sister's wedding. We stopped along the way for lunch and, at some point while we were paying, I found myself alone with my stepmother. She said, "Aren't you even going to ask what we think of him?" I said, "No." She said, "Well, I'll tell you anyway. He's wonderful. And it's obvious that you adore each other." We did and do, and that's enough for me. But it's hard to grant my friends the same latitude.
Partly, that's because of the self-doubt that can arise when we're around these mismatches. For Gary, it feels like a gender issue. He'd rather be with the women who are talking about kids than the men who are talking about sports. And he wonders whether the men find him boring because he doesn't care about football or stocks. Does that make him less of a man? Does it make me less of a woman to be married to someone whose masculinity is tied to the apron strings rather than the purse strings?
On the other hand, did it make my friend's husband more of a man that he was fixing the closet during our recent visit to their house? While Gary was in the kitchen talking with my friend, I was upstairs trying to draw her husband out of their bedroom and engage him in a conversation. He was hammering; I was yammering. Painful for both of us, I'm sure.
I don't want time with friends to turn into an existential crisis. I just want to enjoy some good company and some laughs. So, I try to avoid these Jekyll and Hyde pairings.
The only predictor I've found is that in those rare instances when we like both man and woman equally, the couple is openly affectionate with each other and very happily married. Which makes me wonder, could it be that the happily married have more friends because they're both more fun to be around? Or is it that the more fun you are to be around, the more likely you are to be happily married? Either way, these folks are on to something.
It turns out that while opposites may attract, it is similarities that sustain a relationship and a friendship.
Researchers recently found that "outgoing people tend to like other outgoing people, quiet people tend to be attracted to quiet people, and smart people tend to gravitate towards other brainy types."
So if you hate your best friend's husband or wife, take heart. Chances are, eventually, your best friend will, too.
This LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.
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