Do wedding rings band us together or set us apart?

I've never trusted married men who don't wear wedding rings. My husband always wears his. He's never taken it off, which makes me feel worse about having removed my ring twice.

The first time was when I was giving birth to our son and was pretty much involuntary. The second instance led to a bit of a marital crisis.

I was having my hands paraffin waxed about three months ago and was asked to remove my ring. I paused, thought hard and figured it'd be OK. But afterward, I panicked.

My hands were smooth and shiny, but I was terrified of losing my ring and couldn't relax until my husband once again put it on my finger.

Plus, there was the matter of whether we needed anyone to witness the moment and did we need to re-recite our vows? I was a blustering bride all over again.

In the end, some friends (who had lost several wedding rings over the years) convinced me it was enough to exchange the vows engraved on the outside of our rings, "I carry your heart with me," from a poem by e.e. cummings.

So we did, and we were once again bonded together by our bands. But last week I discovered that my ring was on upside down -- with the engraving facing out toward the world, and not in, toward my heart.

Naturally, this caused an existential crisis. I began to think it was symbolic -- that my marriage was upside down. After all, my husband wears his hair in a ponytail while mine is short. He's the primary caregiver for our 7-year-old son, while I'm the primary breadwinner. He's domestic; I sometimes feel like a foreigner in my own home.

Then it occurred to me: perhaps the world has it backwards, not me. After all, gender roles can change over time and place, and so has the purpose of wedding rings.

For Romans, rings were a token of purchase. And it wasn't until World War II that men began wearing them regularly.

Which led me to wonder, why do people wear wedding bands now (even some who are not legally married)? Is it to declare to our loved ones that we are committed, or is it to make a public declaration?

Certainly, wedding bands can make multiple statements -- "He's married! Hands off!" -- and of course there's a status attached to them that some take more seriously than others. Platinum? Gold? Silver, anyone?

Our decision about the type of ring to buy was very easy. My husband, who is not Jewish, nevertheless insisted that our bands adhere to my religion's code and be all of one piece, solid.

We decided to engrave them because there was a poem that captured our feelings and would be part of our ceremony. The trickiest part was finding someone to engrave them on the outside of the ring, where we -- and others -- could see the sentiment that expressed our unique union.

After much searching, the rings were sent to the person who engraved the America's Cup a year before. She later said she would never again engrave a ring on the outside because the curves made it too difficult.

Gary speculates that people engrave dates and other information on the inside of their rings not because they fear they'll forget, but to help them remember their loved ones.

I think he's right. By looking at our rings, our pictures -- and into our hearts -- we create moments for ourselves that are islands in time; moments that are places we can go, wherever we are, to be together and apart from everyone else.

We wear our rings to define ourselves as husband or wife and to define ourselves as a couple. The simple gold band on my left hand ring finger is part of how I express who I am, part of what makes Gary and I who we are as a unit.

We wear these symbols of love and eternity for ourselves, not for the world. The world is not responsible for protecting our marriage or funky family, and no ring will save us from the world's temptations. Only the impulse to wear one will.

So, my husband has turned my ring around until so that it faces me and my marriage is once again right side up. Or, at least my wedding band is.

Of the 416 people who responded to a survey that accompanied this article, 80 percent said they always wear their wedding bands; 10 say they usually wear one; and about 10 percent say they wear their wedding rings sometimes or never. How often do you wear your wedding band? How often does your spouse?

This LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.

Comments

[Bridget Rossi]

It's good that you two are wearing the rings all the time, but do remember that they're supposed to be the symbols of your bond. They're not the bond itself. Think more of the actual thing that's happening between you and your husband rather than just the symbols.

[Wedding Rings]

The wedding ring is a ring that will often be made from precious metals, and it will be worn on the left ring finger. It is also worn on the right ring finger in countries such as Norway or Russia. The purpose of a wedding ring is to represent a marriage. Both spouses will wear rings to show that they are commited to each other.

[diane]

MY HUSBAND LEFT ME A MONTH AGO. FOR ANOTHER MARRIED WOMEN. I SAW HIM THE OTHER DAY WITH A WEDDING BAND ON. I SAID WHAT IS THAT YOUR MARRIED AND YOUR NOT DIVORCE FROM ME. HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. HE TOOK IT OFF AND PUT IT IN HIS POCKET.

[Robin]

Hi Julie,
It seems like I am commenting on everything tonight!! First of all I have "cotton candy jellybeans 10/2/93" engraved on the inside of my wedding band (that's what I was eating the night we met) and Rich has "unforgettable 10/2/93" inside his band (the song we danced to the 2nd night we were together) We have the date we met not the date we married in our rings because the night we met was the important night to us. The night we married was just a big party to seal the deal!
I took my wedding rings off for 6 months when Rich left me last year after 9 years of marriage. It killed me. I told him I was putting them away because they came with a promise he made to me and if he couldn't keep the promise to love me forever then I had to remove the rings. When he asked if we could try again we went through counseling. When I was sure it was going to work I put the rings back on. They're not just pretty jewelry. They mean a lifetime committment.
Rich doesn't wear his ring to work because he could lose the finger!! He does wear it when we go out, though.

[Isabella]

I don't wear mine because I work with infants and toddlers and I wash my hands a zillion times a day. Plus I've swung my hand and scratched somebody with it (not that it's huge, but still...)

The hub doesn't wear his because he was always banging it on something at work.

We do wear them to church or when we go out in the evening...

[Amy]

Really nice article! My husband and I wear our gold bands always. Inside is simply engraved "John and Amy 7-17-87". I remember thinking when I first looked at the engraving that the date would look so very long ago when we were in our 80's. I only removed mine for a C-section (no choice, and I hated that! strip away the last conforting thing on my body!) then again late in my last pregnancy when I was swollen all over. So, it was the kids that did it.

[Debbie]

I'm very paranoid about losing mine down the drain or something. I guess it's due to water retention, but mine varies from fitting me tightly to being very loose over the course of a day. So, I take it off to bathe, but I always wear it when I leave the house. I feel naked without it.

[Eve P]

Hi Julie...I'm one of those who rarely wears the wedding band. Though I do wear it when I travel without Jono--I did this pre-kid and now continue the habit post-kid. I also tend to wear it if we're going to a big party or wedding with lots of people I don't know. In those circumstances, I want other people to know that I'm a partnered up gal, but most of the time I could care less abuot what others think, and since I'm just not a adorning-type-person, when I wear it it's for others to see. I do enjoy the dissonance when I'm talking to someone around town, my kids in tow, and I mention my husband and they do the glance to the left hand and wonder...

Eve