I've never trusted married men who don't wear wedding rings. My husband always wears his. He's never taken it off, which makes me feel worse about having removed my ring twice.
The first time was when I was giving birth to our son and was pretty much involuntary. The second instance led to a bit of a marital crisis.
I was having my hands paraffin waxed about three months ago and was asked to remove my ring. I paused, thought hard and figured it'd be OK. But afterward, I panicked.
My hands were smooth and shiny, but I was terrified of losing my ring and couldn't relax until my husband once again put it on my finger.
Plus, there was the matter of whether we needed anyone to witness the moment and did we need to re-recite our vows? I was a blustering bride all over again.
In the end, some friends (who had lost several wedding rings over the years) convinced me it was enough to exchange the vows engraved on the outside of our rings, "I carry your heart with me," from a poem by e.e. cummings.
So we did, and we were once again bonded together by our bands. But last week I discovered that my ring was on upside down -- with the engraving facing out toward the world, and not in, toward my heart.
Naturally, this caused an existential crisis. I began to think it was symbolic -- that my marriage was upside down. After all, my husband wears his hair in a ponytail while mine is short. He's the primary caregiver for our 7-year-old son, while I'm the primary breadwinner. He's domestic; I sometimes feel like a foreigner in my own home.
Then it occurred to me: perhaps the world has it backwards, not me. After all, gender roles can change over time and place, and so has the purpose of wedding rings.
For Romans, rings were a token of purchase. And it wasn't until World War II that men began wearing them regularly.
Which led me to wonder, why do people wear wedding bands now (even some who are not legally married)? Is it to declare to our loved ones that we are committed, or is it to make a public declaration?
Certainly, wedding bands can make multiple statements -- "He's married! Hands off!" -- and of course there's a status attached to them that some take more seriously than others. Platinum? Gold? Silver, anyone?
Our decision about the type of ring to buy was very easy. My husband, who is not Jewish, nevertheless insisted that our bands adhere to my religion's code and be all of one piece, solid.
We decided to engrave them because there was a poem that captured our feelings and would be part of our ceremony. The trickiest part was finding someone to engrave them on the outside of the ring, where we -- and others -- could see the sentiment that expressed our unique union.
After much searching, the rings were sent to the person who engraved the America's Cup a year before. She later said she would never again engrave a ring on the outside because the curves made it too difficult.
Gary speculates that people engrave dates and other information on the inside of their rings not because they fear they'll forget, but to help them remember their loved ones.
I think he's right. By looking at our rings, our pictures -- and into our hearts -- we create moments for ourselves that are islands in time; moments that are places we can go, wherever we are, to be together and apart from everyone else.
We wear our rings to define ourselves as husband or wife and to define ourselves as a couple. The simple gold band on my left hand ring finger is part of how I express who I am, part of what makes Gary and I who we are as a unit.
We wear these symbols of love and eternity for ourselves, not for the world. The world is not responsible for protecting our marriage or funky family, and no ring will save us from the world's temptations. Only the impulse to wear one will.
So, my husband has turned my ring around until so that it faces me and my marriage is once again right side up. Or, at least my wedding band is.
Of the 416 people who responded to a survey that accompanied this article, 80 percent said they always wear their wedding bands; 10 say they usually wear one; and about 10 percent say they wear their wedding rings sometimes or never. How often do you wear your wedding band? How often does your spouse?
This LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.
