Conversation interruptus

My husband and I have not had an uninterrupted conversation since 1996, when our son was born.

We've had some long talks late at night, but most of those end with one of us snoring or saying to the other indignantly, "Are you falling asleep?"

Anyone who lives in a house with a child knows that conversation interruptus is more common than an ear infection, and nearly as painful.

But even before we had a child, my husband had trouble completing a sentence -- let alone a series of them -- during a conversation with me. I have a genetic predisposition to interrupt.

Discussion: Are you more likely to interrupt others while they're talking or be interrupted by others?

My parents interrupted me. Their parents interrupted them. I'm pretty sure if you follow our family tree all the way back, you'll find that my foremother, Eve, actually interrupted God before he fully explained about the apple. (Ignorance is no defense, of course.)

In my family it was a compliment if someone interrupted you. It meant they understood. If they could complete your sentence it meant they could complete your thought. They somehow completed you.

So it's often been an early sign of friendship to me when a new acquaintance can find the words I mean and voice them before I do.

I like when speech overlaps during conversations. When one person's beginning flows into another's ending, the rhythm feels right to me. It feels natural.

Clearly, this is not true for everyone.

My husband forgets what he is going to say if I interrupt. And our son forgets what he is going to say if he doesn't interrupt.

Of course, we're not the only family with this dinnertime dilemma.

Two researchers studied "dinnertime narratives" and tabulated the results by categories of conversational etiquette, including total talking time, turn-taking violations, and supportive interjections (like "uh-huh" or "go on"). Good thing they didn't visit my house.

I've been conducting my own, less systematic, study of the subject and have discovered that other families consider it rude to interrupt, presumptuous to think you might know what someone is going to say, arrogant even.

In fact, sociologists Candace West and Donald Zimmerman say that "interrupting is a way of exercising power."

A leading conversation expert, Deborah Tannen, says that interrupting shows a lack of interest or support and an effort to take control away from the speaker.

In other cultures, interrupting is polite, even though "people of Northern European or American extract might mistake this kind of conversation for argument and hostility."

I understand. I spent several of my formative professional years in a TV newsroom, where the only conversational rule seemed to be: She who yells the loudest gets the floor.

Since leaving the newsroom, I've been adjusting to a whole new set of conversational rules.

Though I still sometimes succumb to the temptation to interrupt, I'm better at tempering my tendency to speak my mind before others have finished speaking theirs. I'm learning to curb my enthusiasm for my own thoughts and show a healthy interest in others' -- sometimes more important -- thoughts. I've come to value silence.

In addition to showing respect, this change has reminded me that I don't know everything that's going to be said or done before it is. Life is full of surprises, if you let it be.

I'm finding that if I let life unfold, and go with the flow, it carries me along, without interruption.

This LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.

Comments

[VJ]

My biggest problem is with Tony right now. Like all children, as soon as the phone rings, a bell goes off in his head, and he just remembers he has to tell me something that very instant.

As far as genetic interrupters, no, I don't think Angelo and I are, though there is some nterrupting that goes on some time.

[Karen]

The problem is that my family interrupts with complete non sequiturs, as in:
Me: So, I told the teacher that—
Dad: Did I tell you we saw "Fahrenheit 911"?
I was brought up to "converse" this way and learned to stop doing it only after getting married and having it pointed out to me. Now it drives my bonkers when my parents do it.

[TW]

The Hunter and I constantly interrupt each other. It saves time. Either we already know what the other is saying, and we save the time that way, or we don't and find out faster. The urchins interrupt on another level entirely. They never interrupt boring stuff. They have a well-honed internal device which detects interesting gossip, comments about other family members, plans for family trips, etc. at a range of two miles and this device leads them to immediately interrupt any such conversation. It also filters out boring conversations about chores, yard work, and home improvement plans.

[Tiff]

I was brought up the same way. My best friends complete my sentences and we go from one thing to another, give and take, back and forth.

[Hope Wilbanks]

Both.

Pre-kids I was always interrupted.
Post-kids I interrupt. Not intentionally. I think it happens because I don't have a lot of adult interaction. When I finally do, I am so excited to have someone to talk with that I don't realize I'm interrupting.

[Robin P]

If someone is talking and it reminds me of something that I want to say when they are finished, I either say,"Excuse me but that reminds me of something. If I tell you now before I forget will you remember what you were saying?" OR I will just try to remember it without interrupting.
With Rich it's funny because he will ask, "Do you know what I was just thinking about?" and many times I can say "Yes" and when I tell him, I am right! That's just from being married for 10 years. Then he calls me creepy because I can read his mind.
I hate when people interrupt me constantly. Either shut up and listen politely or tell me you are not interested in the subject and I won't waste my breath!

[heidi]

I think we were seperated at birth. I was raised in the same type of household. And you are right, well, I was going to say what you are right about, but you are right about everything. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut a little more like you have. I'm getting better (I think) except when I get real excited about a subject. Glad to know I'm not the only one with this 'problem'.

[April]

Wow, thanks for the lesson! I always find your posting interesting and educational. As far as interrupting, don't let me! Once I butt in, I usually have the loudest voice and that causes people to also lose their train of thought. My hubby and I take full advantage sleeping children to hold conversations that are usually complete by the time we are done and the kids wake up. We once had a problem communicating and screamed at eachother but the kids have taught us how to talk again. We haven't screamed for years now and I like that part.