Living with ADHD: Three years later

It's been three years since my son was diagnosed with ADHD, three years since I wrote, "My son is getting Ritalin for his sixth birthday."

Colter is 9 years old now. So much has changed since he began taking medication to control his impulsivity. We live in a different state now, one that is warmer and provides him with more opportunity to play outside in the sunshine. He goes to a different school now, one where he is exceptional because of his intellect rather than his bad behavior. And he has new friends, who know about his undying devotion to Yu-gi-oh!, Pokemon and video games but not about his explosive temper.

When we first decided to try medication, it was because we had run out of other treatment options. We had exhausted our psychologist, ourselves, and our child, who -- we finally realized -- truly could not help the way he was behaving. We hoped the pharmaceuticals would live up to their promise. And they have.

We saw an immediate change in his behavior and have continued to see improvements ever since. He has been able to stop himself from kicking, hitting and otherwise acting out physically in anger. I never imagined I would be so thrilled to have a child who storms out of the room and slams his bedroom door, but it's such a relief after feeling physically threatened by his outbursts and truly frightened that he would hurt himself or me.

I'm not sure whether Colter knows that there is a name for his condition (he may have overhead us discussing it with doctors at some point). He does know that he takes the medicine to help him make better choices. But we have been very clear all along that he alone remains responsible for his behavior -- the pills don't make choices for him and other people don't make choices for him.

Over the years, we have noted his medication on school and camp forms, but for the most part his teachers are unaware of his diagnosis. We have them fill out questionnaires once or twice a year about his behavior, and it has been interesting to see how different teachers interpret his behavior. Several of his classroom teachers have noted that he sometimes blurts out a lot, disrupting the lesson; his gifted teachers described this same behavior more positively; They say he is "excited about learning."

It used to be that when we heard there was a problem at school we'd brace ourselves, worrying "What did he do this time?" Now when there's a problem it's more often that someone else did something to him -- bullying, pushing or otherwise trying to manipulate him. I sometimes worry that by rewiring his quick trigger reflex we may have made him more vulnerable.

But on the whole I have no doubt that Colter has grown in a way he would not have without medication. He is able to see himself, his behavior and others more clearly. Sometimes, that's painful for him. He knows he's different, and at his age different is bad. But he also knows he's trustworthy now. I can trust him to be alone in the bathroom, his bedroom, the backyard. I can trust him to make good decisions. And perhaps most importantly, he can trust himself.

I also trust myself more as a parent than I did before. While we are constantly on the lookout for new techniques and strategies we can use to help him learn and grow, I don't read as many parenting books as I used to. I've become the expert on my child.

And I enjoy parenting Colter in a way I never could before. Because I'm no longer afraid of him, I can let down my guard and relax. When my husband goes out of town, I don't worry about who I'll call if things get out of hand. Instead, I plan movies, trips to the theatre, swimming. I can be his parent instead of his warden.

I know what he's capable of, so I'm more patient when he's tired or overwhelmed or being forced by circumstances into an uncomfortable situation (like the first day at a new camp). And I'm less patient when he tries to use his "difference" as an excuse or a defense. We've never lowered our standards or let him off the hook. We do just adjust our expectations, though, and are always looking for ways to give him what he needs to succeed.

When there are problems, I can stay calm, because every time one occurs, I no longer wonder, "Will this be the day that everything falls apart?" I have confidence that this too shall pass.

And when all is right with my child, all is right with the world.

A version of this LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.

Comments

[Kris]

My son is 12 and he just started taking meds in February of this year. He was diagnosed when he was 7, but we have "managed" if you can call it that, without meds until now.

It is amazing how a little control and sanity in your lives can change everything. Kudos to you for helping your kid. I'm tired of the teachers pushing to medicate and society at large blaming parents for over-medicating. If our kids had diabetes, would we even consider not giving them insulin? It is all about the kid. Whatever the parents decide is in the best interest of their child is the best.

[Debbie]

I just found your website and I love your story. I have read it over and over again. We too, have traveled down this road and our son is a sucess story. With the medication, he has gone from a struggling and failing student with no self esteem to a straight "A" student who loves school. His Dr. did reccommend the medication and 3 months later said that ADHD is way over diagnosed but based on results, we hit it right with our son. I never thought he was ADHD.....I thought he had a learning disability. It's amazing to watch him excel now. I see the administrators at his school burst with pride at every Honor Roll Assembly.

[VJ]

Good for you! I'm so glad you found the right kind of medication that helps not only your son, but your whole family. Keep up the good work.

[cassie-b]

What a wonderful story. I'm so glad you can enjoy your child.

I taught nursery school for 7 years a while back, and problems like that were not all that uncommon.

Kudos to you and your family

[Melany]

WTG. I'm so happy to hear that he has made such progress. You have made the right decisions for your son

[Kristi]

As the mother of an ADHD child I think we always worry what we can do differently. I think this is great. Beautiful.

My ADHD son graduates from high school one week from tonight. He's been accepted into college and has decided to go. This might not sound like much but for most of his highschool years he's said he won't go to college because it's too hard for him to sit still that long. But he's gotten to a place in his life where he recognizes that he needs to be assertive with the things he CAN control because there is SO much that is beyond it.
He surprised me further by telling me that he wants to stay on his medication (he hates the meds because they make him feel crappy) while in school. I've gotten the best present in the WORLD... a child who has enough confidence in himself to step out into the real world knowing that he's capable of attaining any goal he sets for himself.

[Misty]

This made me cry a little. It is so similar to what my family has gone through, how I feel about it and how I explain it to other people. I'm so greatful that we have a way for our children to be more in control of their actions and their emotions. I don't know what else to say, except that I'm glad you voiced what so many parents have had to go through just to make a better life for their children. Kudos!