The nanny and the mother

I am fascinated by this New York Times story written by a mother about the nanny who was caring for her children, and this response by the nanny, who blogged about her life and work.

What strikes me most is that both defend their choices as women. Both seem disappointed in each other. And both recognize that their relationship is really only about their own needs (the nanny's for employment, the mother's for "hipness by proxy").

Here's the mother's take:

I was about to turn 40. I'd been married almost 15 years. My ability to attend literary readings and art gallery openings was hampered by two children, and my party life was relegated to the toddler birthday circuit. ...  I also feared she would judge my life and find it wanting. ... My awareness of this prior life and my knowledge that I'd outgrown it didn't spare me from feelings of intense doubt about my current life, times when I was convinced I'd made the wrong choices.

The nanny says:

This might be hard for Ms. Olen to understand, considering this article reveals that she lives in an insular inner world where everything is about HER, but I didn't judge her life. Why? Well, I never really thought about it at all. She employed me to care for her children. Her choices? Her compromises? Not my business. The only times I considered her life was in relation to my employment: Would she manage her schedule so she would stop changing my hours? Would she and her husband figure out if they were staying in Brooklyn so I would stop having to listen to them debate moving to the suburbs? But I think it is also relevant to point out that Ms. Olen's expressed fear that I would judge her life, is really to try to paint me as anti-mother and anti-children. When in fact, I have consistently blogged about how I want to make professional choices now to ensure that I can be a mother some day.

After reading their perespectives on the situation, I'm left wondering: What is it women really want from each other? And why is it so difficult for us to give and receive it?

Thanks, Matt, for passing along these links!

Comments

[Kristin]

Wow. Should we be nicer to each other? yes. Should woman be more suppportive of each other? yes. Are we? will we? Nope.

Human nature isn't going to change. Not enough. So, take this as a wonderful cautionary tale about blogging. It seems so innocent - write what you think, what could go wrong? Don't be naive!

It's important for anyone considering a blog to set "ground rules" for themselves before typing a word. What you write could change your life.

[Erin]

This is a tough one. I recently came across another nanny blog earlier today and wondered why she would be so honest about her employer and post her photo, too. I think the nanny/employer relationship is like that of a doctor and patient. Respect, trust, and honesty are key. Not to mention respect for eachother.

[Robin P]

This is really quite a strange situation. The Nanny should have kept her blog a secret from her employer. Clearly, she wanted her to read it otherwise she wouldn't have given her the link. When I first heard about it I thought the employer stumbled upon the blog by accident. I didn't know she was handed the blog address!!
They are both at fault. Poor judgement on both parts.

[Catt]

Donna said it much better than I can - so ditto to that!

[Gina]

Men do go after men this way - usually in politics, sports, technology, etc..

In my view, though it was dumb to share her blog, the journalist exaggerated for the good of the NYTimes and seems to be fairly egocentric.

[elise]

I'm not so sure that this is just a women vs. women issue. Maybe a human vs. human issue. I wonder if in our struggle to feel good about ourselves we have no energy left to make anyone else feel good about themselves. Also if someone else is making wrong decisions and we point it out, it seems to make our decisions all the more right. The more self confidence we develop, the less need we have to judge others.

[Donna]

You've hit on a question that's been dogging us since the dawn of the women's movement -- and one that probably won't be settled for a very long time as we learn to accept that the choice one woman makes doesn't negate the choice of another.

[Melanie Lynne Hauser]

Agree with the above comment. Case in point - the whole "Chick Lit" vs. "respectable fiction" controversy - (Curtis Sittenfeld, anyone?) It's ridiculous. Why can't we just support each other, regardless? I hate to say it, but you really don't see men go after each other this way.

[*AGK*]

We are our own worst enemy -- woman vs. woman.