The last place we look for happiness is in our own backyards, where the grass is generally greener than we know.
I was reminded of this last week when I went to a neighborhood pool by myself and met the mother of two toddlers. When she heard I had a husband and son at home, she wanted to know how I scored some solitude. I told her it was easy, my 9-year-old preferred playing GameCube to swimming with me. So, while she was coveting my time alone I was coveting her time with family.
Before I realized that she didn't even trust her husband to watch their kids at the pool, I told her my husband was usually the one home with our child anyway, cooking, supervising homework, driving to and from guitar lessons. I could see my husband's reflection in her eyes, and he looked good.
Well, of course he did. I didn't mention the snoring, the piles of dishes and laundry in our house, the daily frustrations of life as a family. Why would I? A girl can dream, can't she?
And we do. We imagine that other people's husbands have more hair and less stomach. Other people's children are so well-behaved. Other people's friends seem tirelessly selfless and funny.
But the next time you're coveting your neighbor's life, just remember that from the other side of the fence, your life looks pretty good, too.
Yes, there are some dead spots -- some spots, as my husband says, where the grass just won't grow. And there are those with green thumbs, who can grow anything, anytime, anywhere. But for most of us, our grass is as green as any.
I've known people who were rich, thin and miserable. I've known others who were poor, fat and happy. Happiness knows no weight or income. Happiness knows no before or after -- after the bills are paid, after the children are at school, after... After all, happiness waits for nothing and no one.
So while it's true that the Declaration of Independence gives us the right to pursue happiness, it doesn't guarantee we'll catch it. In fact, it appears that it might be in our long-term best interest for happiness to remain just out of reach.
In his book, "Happiness: The Science Behind Your Smile," British psychologist Daniel Nettle writes, "Evolution hasn't set us up for the attainment of happiness, merely its pursuit."
In a review of his book, Elizabeth Svoboda explains:
...in happiness, as in just about every other area, the Lake Wobegon effect -- that epitome of irrationality -- is much in evidence. When middle-aged study subjects were asked to assess their satisfaction with life on a scale of 1 to 10, more than 90 percent chose 5 or above, with the average response hovering around 8. These results, Nettle believes, reflect both people's need to feel that they're above the norm and their evolution-driven sense that things can always improve just a little. "Whatever the circumstances, there should be a small, nagging gap between our present contentment and a conceivably possible super-contentment," he writes. "Into this vital chink swarm peddlers of nostalgia, spiritual systems, drugs, and all kinds of consumer goods."
Evolution says we're always looking forward to what's next, but happiness isn't in the future. It's here and now.
Happiness lives at the house next door, and the one next to that. And seen from the proper angle, in the best light, it's right in your own backyard.
A version of this LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.
thank you.
Posted by: jen | September 03, 2005 at 10:03 AM
I believe happiness is a conscious decision- and I try to make it every morning when I wake up. It always makes me think of the Chinese story of the woman who couldn’t bear her mother in law. She went to a witch doctor who gave her a magical poison powder and said she had to sprinkle it on the woman’s food and put it in her tea- with the proviso that she be polite, friendly and sweet for the magic to work. After a few weeks of being nice to the old woman, they were getting on so well that she rushed to the witch doctor to ask for an antidote. The witch doctor said she needn’t worry- he had given her a simple herb concoction that wasn’t poisonous at all- the magic had been in her behaviour. If I think how often (if not always) I carry on at work, all smiles and happiness when home is falling apart or when something else is wrong- then either I’m a reaaaaally good actor or my theory works.
Posted by: angel | August 12, 2005 at 01:48 AM
That was really nice! I think it is helpful to sometimes step back and get a little perspective. However, I also think it's important not to get too caught in measuring your own happiness by other people's standards. I'm a big believer in constant improvement, but I also feel strongly about smelling the roses along the way (celebrating accomplishments, appreciating what you have).
Posted by: merseydotes | August 09, 2005 at 10:40 AM
Stunning!
Posted by: gm | August 08, 2005 at 09:22 PM
As always, great column! I've found over my adult life that happiness isn't even where it's at, it's in those spaces between the happiness and the unhappiness, the freedom from the highs and lows, the middle ground where I'm most at peace.
But having a husband who had more fashion sense and had less conservative political leanings wouldn't bother me one bit.
Posted by: kelly | August 08, 2005 at 08:08 PM
Thanks for this - we all need a refreshing dose of honesty now and then!
Posted by: Melanie Lynne Hauser | August 08, 2005 at 04:54 PM
I really liked this column. I often find myself victim to that grass is greener thinking; other families do so much more together; other moms are better at scheduling activities for their kids; other parents are never disrespected by their kids. This is a good reminder that appearances are usually deceiving. Thanks for writing such an honest and thoughtful column.
Posted by: Pam H. | August 08, 2005 at 03:09 PM