Mom in the Mirror

This child obviously isn't getting what he needs at home

As I watched my son at basketball practice this past Monday, I was shocked by how loud he was, how much he wanted the coach's approval, how determined he was to both blend in and stand out from the other kids. Being the judgmental person I am, I immediately thought, "There's a child who obviously doesn't get enough attention from his parents." And then I realized -- I'm his parent! And Gary and I love him in infinite ways every single day. Could it be that we've created an insatiable monster?

You've read the blog, now read the book

By the time I started reading The Julie/Julia Project ("Nobody here but us servantless American cooks..."), Julie Powell was almost finished working her way through all the recipes in Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking." I loved her style then, and now, her book is out. Called "Julie & Julia," it is a great look behind the blog and beyond the kitchen. I recommend this book; it is the highest form of nourishing writing, about food, life and everything. Bon appetit!

Whose choice is it?

I just posted on DotMoms about The New York Times article "Many Women at Elite Colleges Set Career Path to Motherhood." It's a bit of a diatribe and long (but long overdue). Let me know what you think. I also wrote a more personal elaboration of these issues and my experience with them.

Are you a yay-sayer or a naysayer?

If I could change one thing about myself, I would say "yes" more often.

I'm the type of person who says "no" without thinking. Ask me anything and my first response will be negative. I verbally close the door before anyone can do more than poke a head tentatively around the corner. In fact, "no" doesn't just close the door on an idea or thought, it slams the door. Hard.

I've always admired people whose first instinct is to say yes. I had a boss in college who believed it was always easier to say "yes" than to say "no." For her, it was. For me, not at all.

I know I've missed out on a lot of opportunities because I never even consider them. I've missed out on a lot of fun, I'm sure. And yet I can't help myself. I am cautious, and so is "no." It sounds like "whoa," and it has that effect. It slows progress or stops it in its tracks (some trains barrel toward you no matter what signal lights you throw).

"No" protects against change, against danger. No is safe. Yes is more reckless. It's like saying, "Guess." Saying yes requires that I commit to something with or without information. And I like information.

I don't think it's coincidental that "no" and "know" are homonyms. The less I know, the more likely I am to say "no." The more I know, the more likely I am to say "yes."

Wanna drink? No.

Want a soda? Maybe.

Want a root beer? Yes!

But I'm learning to work with my limitations. Just after I hear myself say "no," I reconsider. Do I know enough to decide? Are there possibilities beyond "yes" and "no"? Do I want to change my mind?

I wasn't always such a naysayer. In fact, I think I became one because I said yes too much. As a child and then as a young woman, I felt bound by other people's expectations. No was not a part of my vocabulary.

This meant I found myself trying to get out of plans I never wanted to make and commitments I hoped never to honor. I remember wishing I would get sick just so I wouldn't have to babysit or go out with someone whose company I really didn't enjoy.

Once I realized that saying yes created more problems than it solved, I learned to help people find alternatives (like, "I have a friend who can babysit, do you want me to see if she's available?") Eventually, I learned how to just say no. And I've been saying it ever since. The problem is, somewhere along the way I forgot how to say yes.

And it's worrying me.

Because the yay-sayers are happier, I've noticed. Especially as they age. My mother said yes to everything: Travel to Paris without my husband or children? Sign me up! Go back to school and become the first college graduate in my family? Enroll me! Move to Florida to recover from a broken leg? Why not?

As her child, I paid the price for her enthusiasm. My life was constantly disrupted by her wishes and whims. But as an adult, I hear her say -- now that she's in her 70s -- how happy she is and how fulfilled. She lived a full life and did most everything she wanted (including plenty she shouldn't have). In contrast, I have other relatives who, like me, are more critical and judgmental, more tentative in spite of our best efforts to remain open-minded. As they age they become more frustrated. After a lifetime of shoulds, we want to say yes, but we don't know how or to what or even when.

And perhaps that's the key. Instead of being a naysayer or a yay-sayer, it's worth learning when to say yes and when to say how and when to say maybe and when to say, soon or another time or "not right now."

No keeps life at a distance, it protects us; yes engages and exposes us. "No" is afraid of the future. Yes is a way of saying, I'm not sure what will happen next but I'm willing to find out.

So, the question is: Am I brave?

Hell, yes.

A version of this LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.

Once is not enough

In our house, we have a three-word minimum. Nothing is said just once. Instead, it's:

NO! NO! NO!

STOP! STOP! STOP!

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

How often do you repeat yourself and what words do you repeat most often?

Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker

We finished reading "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" last night and I couldn't help be reminded of another serial -- "Star Wars."

As we were driving to religious school this morning Gary and Colter and I described the similarities between Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker. Here they are:

• Harry's parents died when he was young and he was raised by an aunt and uncle who did not understand him. Luke's mother died during childbirth (he believed his father was dead, too) and he was raised by an aunt and uncle who did not understand him.
• Harry's father figure (not giving it away for those of you who don't know) was killed right in front of him. Luke's father figure (Obi-Wan) was killed right in front of him.
• Harry's best friends -- Ron and Hermione -- fall in love. Luke's best friends -- Han and Leia -- fall in love.
• Harry depends on the strength of a hairy beast (Hagrid). Luke depends on the strength of a hairy beast (Chewbacca).
• Harry has a magical weapon (a wand) he must to learn to control. Luke has a magical weapon (a lightsaber and the force) he must learn to control.

Are there other ways Harry Potter and Luke Skywalker are similar? Are there other characters who share these traits?

UPDATE: I just discovered that someone else has also created a list like this.

Mi Shebeirach

Tonight at sundown, Shabbat began. Much later, my family lit the candles, said blessings and sang two of the most important prayers. The first was for healing, to help all those in Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Florida -- and those who love them -- recover their health and their hope.

Mi shebeirach avoteinu
M'kor habracha l'imoteinu

May the source of strength who blessed the ones before us,
Help us find the courage to make our lives a blessing
And let us say: Amen.

Mi shebeirach imoteinu
M'kor habracha l'avoteinu

Bless those in need of healing with refuah sh'leimah
The renewal of body, the renewal of spirit
And let us say: Amen.

The second prayer was the Kaddish, to honor those who lost their lives and all who love them.

These people deserved better. Their cities deserved better. America deserves better. I hope we can all find our way, together, to something better. That is my prayer.