I hate holidays

Holidays are hard.

The easiest for me may be Yom Kippur, the time of year when Jews like me officially dedicate ourselves to feeling guilty. I'm good at that!

But the Hallmark holiday expectations of the fall and winter really bother me. I'm sure there are people who spend these special times with friends and family, having great food and fun. But in my world, holidays are stressful and largely unsatisfying.

Take Halloween. There's no real meaning in the day for my family -- I'm not even sure why we mark All Hallow's Eve -- just a conversation that begins in September about costumes and candy.

We've gone pumpkin picking, made costumes and hung creepy lights. Each year it's more or less the same.

My introverted son reluctantly knocks on doors and asks total strangers for treats. Sometimes he goes to prime neighborhoods with friends, other times he sticks closer to home. Either way, he only lasts a half-hour -- maximum -- from the time he leaves the house to the time he dumps his load on the floor and starts sorting.

His favorites are usually the candies we bought to give away. So, why can't I just get him some gummy bears and be done with it?

Then there's Thanksgiving. Ever since I turned 18 and went away to college, I've faced the annual question: Are you coming home?

First I must set aside my irritation that I haven't lived in Chicago for 22 years and yet it's still considered "home" -- even by me, sometimes.

Next, there's the travel. It isn't just the crowds and inconvenience, it's the expense of flying me, my husband and our son halfway across the country. We've always stayed in the city with my parents, so there's no hotel cost, but we compensate by shopping and eating out extravagantly while we're there.

We typically cram all kinds of museums and outings into a very short trip and then see my extended family once, on Thanksgiving Day. I love my family -- aunts, uncles, cousins, their children -- but there's not much opportunity to really connect if the only time I see them is when we're scarfing down appetizers and stuffing ourselves around tables large enough to accommodate dozens.

I usually move from conversation to conversation, talking to everyone briefly, catching up on the superficial developments since I saw them last (the year before, if I'm lucky). Just when I feel like I'm really getting to know them again, the night is over, the trip is winding down, and all my intentions to stay in touch via e-mail and phone are like a depressing holiday hangover.

Since my father died a few years, it's only become more difficult. I feel much more inclined to wrap myself in the warmth of my extended family and yet less able to because of my geographic and emotional distance from them.

And finally, there's Chanukah and Christmas. I'm Jewish, my husband is not. So we celebrate both.

Twice the happiness? Theoretically. But in reality, it's just twice the anxiety.

In general, we blend traditions fine. And I especially love the holiday music. But every year since our son has been in school, there have been culture clashes. This year he's in chorus, and for the winter concert they'll be dressing up in elf costumes and singing "Follow the Shepherd" and other religious songs. To appease us, his chorus teacher has added one Chanukah song. I'll enjoy my son's performance (except when he's mouthing words he doesn't want to sing), but not the feeling of being marginalized.

And now that we live in a different state than my husband's family, there's the Christmas version of the Thanksgiving question: Will we be coming home? (Home in this case means North Carolina, where I lived for 15 years and my husband lived for 25 years.)

We face the same challenges with this holiday as we did with Thanksgiving -- the travel, the expense, the crammed agenda with little chance of building on the important relationships with people who live states away now. More frustration, less satisfaction.

Don't misunderstand, there are special days in the life of my family, many of them. You just might not be able to tell when they are by the dates on the calendar.

So, for now, I look forward to New Year's, because it means I can relax for a while.

At least until Groundhog Day.

A version of this LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.

Comments

[Rich]

I know this is an old post but I still thought this was worth posting.

Happy Holidays!
Rich

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid900837105/bclid900668361/bctid1320122347

[Rich]

I know this is an old post but I still thought this was worth posting.

Happy Holidays!
Rich

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid900837105/bclid900668361/bctid1320122347

[Love Holidays Again!]

To Ihateholidays: Please do yourself a huge favor and leave this guy. You deserve much better than this abusive, manipulative, sick jerk.

Been there, done that - it was scary & stressful to leave the ex and start anew - but it was completely worth it because now I have a wonderful husband and two great kids - and I'm a much stronger, happier person for it!

[Ihateholidays]

I hate holidays because my husband is the most unsensitive jerk I have ever met in my life, I used to love holidays. I have been married to my husband for three years and every holiday/special occasion he has put me in tears for no reason. on my birthday we were in a store together and I did not hear him say something, so on the way home he punched me an told me how he could not stand me an everything he thought was wrong with me. today on thanksgiving he took of this morning after telling me how sick of me he is because I seem to be upset so much latly and how he is not going to take it and we might as well be divorsed if I dont smarten up. You kNow why I have been upset latly, Because He yells at me constantly and treets me with no respect at all he talks to me like he thinks Im a moron. I could keep going but I just want to cry now,... again.

[Mary]

Hate is a powerful word and I don't think any of you people understand it. I once was a part of a large family, but all that is gone.I have friends that consider me to be a self-reliant loner type, and so never think to ask me to join them. My holidays are spent alone. Not alone like "just us". Alone.I'd love to have to go through all the hassle, stress and expense of a trip back "home". But that isn't happening. So I hate holidays.
And even though I want to, I won't wish or hope that any of you ever have go through any part of what I do, because nobody deserves this.

[leila v]

I couldn't agree more. The holidays suck! The stress, guilt and anxiety make the holidays the worst time of the year.

[Marie]

Hi, I found your blog by googling "I hate holidays." I just wanted to let you know that I feel exactly the same way. Except I am not fortunate to get "are you coming home?" but instead "When are you getting here?" It makes the entire experience miserable. Best of luck to you.

[Julie]

The holiday travel hurdles that we have vaulted in the past ten years, all in the name of pleasing our respective families (and to be honest, ourselves as well) - they are finally over. Last year we put our collective feet down and informed both families that our asses were going to stay parked at home - OUR HOME - for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, until both girls leave the nest. It was the most relaxing and enjoyable holiday season I've had in years.

[Zwiedawurzn]

a wonderful book about holidays, including the stress, the madness, but also the true meaning: "Skipping Christmas" by J. Grisham. it is hilarious, no better way to relax this season. nothing like the movie, really.

[Zwiedawurzn]

yes, holidays are hard. and every year the media runs the same stories that tell us how the holidays SHOULD be like. any deviation from it and you are a an official failure.

when my daughter was born, over 7 yrs. now, i eliminated all time consuming, unnecessary things from my life. i thank her for that. so we don't do Halloween, instead we do a fall celebration, that extends throughout October and involves us enjoying the season. besides, trick or treating only works in neighborhoods with lots of kids and where everyone knows each other. she can still go to kids halloween parties if invited and wear a costume, and believe me, she is not lacking in candy.

we love Thanksgiving, for the idea of it, and thankfully don't have a lot of family, because they all live too far away, so it's only our immediate family. we take the time to relax, it's the only time we actually eat turkey, and we DON'T hit the malls.

Christmas is where we can easily get caught into the busyness and marketing mania of the season if we are not careful. My daughter usually gets lots of books and educational & creative games from me, and a couple of toys from grandparents and aunt. I try to do most shopping online, or plan ahead what to buy. Our favorite time is Advent, we bake cookies every Advent weekend. It is fun and we spend time together. And we only do the "absolute MUST" Xmas parties.

I think the holidays are ultimately what WE make of them. Sure, we will upset some people, but we should put ourselves and our children and immediate families first. And if we are doing things out of obligation and the joy is lost, then i doubt it that it is benefiting anyone, even those whom we are doing it for.

[Christina]

We don't travel out of state or anything for the holidays, but they are still ridiculously stressful. It seems that of late, the meaning of the holidays, regardless of the holiday or the religion, seems to be getting lost in all of the hullaballoo around it.

When I was little, Christmas was easy: Christmas Eve with my Dad's Italian family for pasta, calamari, and scads of desserts. Christmas Day was with my mom's family. It was simple, it was fun, it was easy, even after my parents divorced it was still easy since it was a two day thing.

Now, we have my family (both sides), my husband's family, trying to shuttle my kids between Ex's family and my family and my husband's family. It's just crazy.

This year, my family is pondering the idea of just letting go of the big family gathering. There are about 50 of us now...I think 4 generations, on my mom's side. It's crazy. We have our traditional cookie baking day, so perhaps we'll gather and celebrate that day.

But yes, I agree, the holidays are just too stressfull (although I LOVE Halloween!)

[Lucinda]

You remind me a bit of Holly Hunter in "Home for the Holidays," one of my favorite holiday season movies.

I agree with Heidi- It's easiest to stay home for the holidays and visit your family during other, less stressful times.

For my family, the holidays are a joyous time, but only because we stay home and invite all of our friends and family to come to us!

So far, it's worked out very nicely. Generally, family shows up for Thanksgiving and for a weekend some time in December, leaving us in peace and alone on Christmas morning. Sheer bliss...

[Michele]

I love the holidays. Love, love, love. But I didn't start loving them until I stopped one year and said, "no." Instead of trying to see everyone and do everything, we stop and decide as a family what is most important to us for this year and that's what we do.

In standing up for the little family that surrounds me every day, I've been better able to enjoy my extended family.

[Heidi]

Hi Julie,

We usually stay home for holidays. Traveling to visit family in other states was too stressful for many reasons. Expense an easy one to explain. The baggage the hardest to deal with. Carrying presents and packing clothes are no problem, but trying to meet everyone's expectations, including my own--it's just impossible. For some reason "this holiday" has to be the best one ever. Geez, every holiday can't be the best and in trying to make it the best we end up being inflexible instead of bending with things that don't go as planned.

I have discovered that these same family members who drive me crazy at holidays are rather nice to be around on ordinary days. I have a more meaningful visit because I can be in the moment rather than worrying about making it the best holiday celebration ever. Too many holidays are memorable for the wrong reasons. My husband and I have consciously engineered our holidays to be free of anxiety (this is a work in progress because some baggage is hard to leave behind). We try to keep our celebrating simple.

As far as traditions go, I love that every major religion has a winter celebration (heck many atheists put up winter solstice trees). It's a great opportunity to learn more about other traditions. A chance to see how similar people are. It's odd to me that so many schools still marginalize the richness of the world's cultures. The holidays are a perfect opportunity to learn more about our neighbors (on our street or of the world).

Best,
Heidi

[Terry]

Yes, holidays are stressful... I believe they've even done some studies on it. Twice, as an adult (albeit mentally sticking out my lower lip in a stubborn pout) I refused to spend the money on train or plane fare for myself and my son at Christmas. Together with the cost of gifts, it was usually an exorbitant exercise that took me weeks, if not months, to recover from. So, twice I said, "Uh-uh, we're staying home this year." It wasn't the same, not seeing my sibs, and I felt vaguely guilty (it's not just a Jewish thing, we Catholics have it in spades) but it did wonders for my mental health.