Striving for imbalance

Balancing is a circus act. It's walking on a tightrope or riding a unicycle or twirling plates at the end of a long stick resting on a short nose. Balancing is an act.

But I'm not a circus performer, just a mother, wife, daughter and friend trying to maintain my sanity, health and home. Balance looks like the problem and the solution. It is a mathematical unknown.

As Jennifer Louden writes in the October issue of body+soul magazine, "We think that by conforming to the ideal -- working 7.5 hours, exercising 20.3 minutes, spending 2.4 quality hours with children or elderly parents or community -- we'll achieve that perfect measure of peace."

Instead, we achieve the opposite -- stress -- because it is impossible to balance a scale that is too heavy. It tips over.

So, we must start removing what is weighing us down.

"Balance is, at its essence, about choice," Louden says. "It's the fluid, often heartbreaking process of choosing, moment by moment, where to spend your most precious resources: your energy and your time."

You can balance a meal and you can balance a checkbook, but you can't balance a life. We must be willing to live with imbalance.

We must have the courage to choose this over that, here over there, no over yes. We must have the clarity to do what matters most (spending time making and eating a healthy meal) and risk that the rest (that pile of thank you notes) will remain undone. We must have the calm to keep moving forward, rather than looking back.

"In order to achieve a balanced life, we must be a bit unbalanced -- by doing only what really matters," says Richard Koch.

It isn't about having it all (in just the right amounts), it's about choosing wisely.

I remember walking across the beam as a young girl during gym class. Back then, balance required carefully putting one foot in front of the other, without falling.

As an adult, I'm still trying to stay on the narrowing beam. The drop below looks more frightening than ever. What's down there? Failure. Falling means failing. It means being off-center, out-of-synch, lonely and disconnected.

The best gymnasts are exceptionally graceful on the beam, the rest of us look like we're trying too hard. Probably because many of us are.

What if we tried a little less hard? What if we threw our younger and older selves a rope so that we could hop down safely?

The best kind of balance allows us to carry ourselves proudly, without collapsing under the enormity of the burdens that press down, like a stack of Oxford English Dictionaries on our heads.

This kind of balance is about focus and priorities. It silences those competing inner voices that pile "should" upon "should" -- "I should exercise"; "I should call my in-laws"; "I should volunteer at my son's school."

When we remove the "should"s and tip the scales in favor of what is most essential, we gain a quiet certainty, the confidence that we're doing exactly what we want and need.

Even when all is not right with the world, all is alright.

And, on balance, that is enough.

A version of this LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.

Comments

[Devra]

Living our lives will tip our scale. If we think we have the power to balance it all, then we would have to believe that everything in our lives in under our individual control and we can simpley control it all by the choices we make. What pressure! No wonder some of us are walking around in a haze. Here is a recap of the 7 Mommy Guilt-free principles Aviva and I blog about on our site. Let some things go,parenting's not a competitive sport, look at the big picture, say "yes" more and leave the "no" for the big stuff, live in the moment, laugh with your kids, find fun things to do as a family. These are some ways to find what works for your family. After all, you live with them and being balanced may not work for you or your family, it might seem to perfect and too difficult to achieve. There is nothing wrong with "good". Good works! : )

[Christina]

Oh I am SO unbalanced!! Just tonight we had an art class, a scout meeting, and a basketball game all at the same time....and I'm still in my clothes from work. It is SO hard to find the balance sometimes, but that's just something we have to deal with or we're going to be spinning in circles our whole lives. I agree with Zwiedawurzn that we must strive to find SOME sense of peace and joy and calm this season.

[Michele]

I've always liked Jennifer Louden's work. Her Comfort Queen website has long been a favorite of mine.

For me, balance is found in figuring out what matters most to me and to my family and going from there. We don't do lots of things that other, busier people do, but that's what works for us. And I'm looking most of all for what works for us.

[Terry]

Beautifully written!

(p.s. I find balance can be achieved by simply unplugging the phone.) :-D

[Lucinda]

This post is really wonderful- and so true.

I believe women in particular have a problem achieving balance because we want so much for everything to be perfect.
Worse, we go to great lengths to convince each other that everything's perfectly in balance even when it's not.
I often wish the women around me were more willing to admit the imperfections in their lives and ask for help. But I find that when I try to talk about this subject, I'm met with resistance.

[Kym]

Great column!

[Zwiedawurzn]

I couldn't agree more! This modern society will have us believe that we can "have it all". In this context it means being spread too thin amongst a variety of tasks and things. You have captured the essence. When you strive for balance in all things you achieve nothing but personal imbalance and unhappiness. So instead, lets strive for inner peace and joy this holiday season, while leaving the juggling to the professionals: the circus people :).