Mom in the Mirror

If at first you don't succeed...

I heard Colter's voice calling me from the bathroom the other day, "Mommy, 'If at first you don't succeed, redefine success!' I read it in The New Yorker."

My 10-year-old son was sitting in the bathroom, reading The New Yorker. OK, it was a cartoon. But honestly, that's why I buy the magazine, so who am I to judge?

Plus, the cartoon's caption captured perfectly my feelings about 2006 as it comes to a close.

These days, I define success as:

• Surviving
• Enjoying the moment: Reading a lot, rediscovering television, knitting
• Celebrating my son for snuggling softly and carefully with me, developing his unnatural athleticism so well he was drafted in the first round for a Community Center basketball team, receiving straight A's during his most emotionally difficult semester
• Appreciating my husband's strength, sensitivity and sense of humor
• Connecting kindly with the world

I've been inspired by many great quotes about life, love, work, success, failure and more, compiled here. I've learned that success often looks and feels like failure. But as long as the clock is ticking forward, we go on. And the clock always ticks forward. We can't know where its progressing path will lead us. We can just follow it, one second, minute, hour, day at a time.

If there's one song that describes this year for me, it's "Another Day" from "Rent."

There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today ...

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what's right
No other course
No other way
No day but today ...

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today.

May the days to come be healthy and happy ones for you and all you love.

Back in the driver's seat

As I sat reprogramming radio stations in my car, I remembered the early days of my relationship with Gary, before he was my husband, when he was my friend and I bought him tickets to see Bonnie Raitt in concert for his birthday.

A few months later, our song became "Something to Talk About." When we got married, it became "All I Have." And once Colter came into our lives it was "The Things We've Handed Down." Still, our musical tastes are decades and genders apart. Time and compromise help us bridge the gap.

I was reprogramming the radio stations because I'm reclaiming my car. Last week we bought Gary a used Volvo station wagon to replace his old Toyota, which hasn't run since summer. We finally need two cars again because I'm heading back to work tomorrow.

I'm starting with half-days for a few weeks, in preparation for returning fulltime after New Year's. I'm excited. Nervous. Excited. Nervous. Excited. And nervous.

But mostly I'm so grateful for my good fortune. I'm finally healthy enough to concentrate on something other than when I can next take my medicine; I'm finally healthy enough to sit at the computer, respond to e-mail, write a little, edit a lot. I'm finally healthy enough to drive again.

I'm going from being driven to being driven: energetic, moved, motivated. I'm back in the driver's seat, with a license to live, love, laugh. And listen to whatever music I want.