Mom in the Mirror

Whose choice is it?

I just posted on DotMoms about The New York Times article "Many Women at Elite Colleges Set Career Path to Motherhood." It's a bit of a diatribe and long (but long overdue). Let me know what you think. I also wrote a more personal elaboration of these issues and my experience with them.

Oooooh, scary!

I've always been amazed by the things Colter finds scary; they're never what I'd expect. We'll be watching "Lizzie McGuire" and suddenly there's dramatic tension and he's running out of the room, terrified. Last night we were watching the Rugrats All Grown Up movie "Interview with a Campfire" and Colter kept covering his head with the blanket and shrieking, he was so afraid. Usually we avoid movies like the new Harry Potter in theatres because he'd rather rent them when they come out on DVD and fast forward through the disturbing parts.

I asked him this morning what frightens him and here's what he said:

Dogs

Frankenstein

Zombies

Vampires

Skeletons and dead people

This is my list of what scares me, posted on DotMoms (you can read more of my DotMoms postings here).

What scares you? What scares your kids?

You don't say...

Thank you, Shai, for this great feature on Blogging Mamas at Weblogs.About.Com. It's wonderful to see DotMoms featured so prominently and to learn about why other moms read and write weblogs.

And thank you, Heather, for this incredibly sweet endorsement while "spreading some bloggy love":

Mom in the Mirror: She's a mom who always ends her entries with a question for her reader and that makes it more interactive and fun. I love her parenting style -- the way she does things really reminds me of my mom, and as I've gotten older I've been able to see the wisdom in the way my mom raised me. So maybe my mom was right after all... hrm... and ... Colter's going to grow up and be grateful that he was lucky enough to have a mom who knew how to raise him right!

Go ahead, brag: what's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about you?

Keeping confidences

There's a thread on DotMoms about lying to your child. It reminds me of how difficult it is to determine (especially for kids) what to keep confidential and what to share.

We were part of an incident last week that forced a discussion with Colter about this. One friend of Colter's casually revealed to him and another boy that a friend of theirs (who is 10 years old) wears diapers. My heart broke for the little girl, who was playing with them at the time. She was born prematurely, with some long-term developmental disabilities, most of which are not apparent to kids, so I wasn't surprised by the revelation but I was surprised by the reaction.

She started crying and then asked to speak with her friend privately. She explained to her that she felt betrayed and, eventually, she forgave her. She was very poised and able to speak for herself.

So I stayed out of it for the most part -- even though they were having this discussion in my living room -- except to tell them that words are powerful and once spoken cannot be retrieved. (There's a folktale about this element of gossip that I love.)

I also had a long talk with Colter about understanding and appreciating differences. We talked about his allergies, his ADHD, his Jewishness. And we talked about when to keep confidences and when to tell someone else something, especially an adult. I drew the line at information that could get someone hurt, emotionally or physically.

Have you ever betrayed a confidence? Has your child? What happened?

Filing frenzy

I'm usually a pretty organized person, but when I found myself maniacally cleaning out files yesterday and I considered my last few posts, I realized something must be really bothering me. It came to me quickly: Tuesday is Colter's birthday. Which means it would have been my dad's birthday. It will be the second since he died, the first I'm not sharing with my stepmother, who is preparing to move. Now that I know what's going on, somehow it isn't as emotionally overwhelming.

Have you ever found yourself cleaning when you're upset?

P.S. I posted the babysitter blues to DotMoms this morning.

Counting kisses

As Colter was falling asleep last night, he told me "I kissed you 16 times today and I kissed Daddy two times." I think this was his way of comforting me after listing his loves (in order of importance): Daddy, GameCube, me.

ALSO: Posted on DotMoms -- "Loved it as a kid, hate it as a mother"

Scared of school buses

I learned at dinner that Colter was on a school bus yesterday for his field trip to a local hospital. This particular one had seat belts -- which is a mixed blessing -- but that did little to ease my anxiety.

When we lived in North Carolina, I swore that my son would never ride one of those yellow monsters because it seemed they were involved in so many accidents, many of them severe. We've always driven him to school, and most of his field trips are taken in cars, with parents driving. Here in Florida, there are fewer accidents involving school buses, but I'm not sure I can dial down my fear.

I worry about potential peer abuse -- Colter's ADHD makes him more likely to be the aggressor than the victim or otherwise have difficulty managing himself in an unstructured setting like this -- and I'm paranoid about the safety of these massive machines.

Is it just me or are other parents afraid to put their kids on buses?

p.s. I posted this morning to DotMoms: "Dr. Seuss may mean more to parents than to kids"

A PC Valentine

One-third of adults in Britain and nearly half of the children surveyed there consider their computers "a trusted friend." Many said they're happier spending time with a computer than with humans. And I thought I was bad! You can test your electronic affection here.

p.s. I posted something on DotMoms: Who will raise your kids if you can't?

Dad's night out

I posted something at DotMoms last night for the first time in a while. I was trying to hang back and not dominate the blog, as I've seen other creators and editors do. I didn't want it to have my fingerprints all over it. I wanted it to feel like it belonged to the group. And I think it does. But my ultra-egalitarianism led me too far in the opposite direction as I left others to do the heavy lifting and perhaps wonder why I went AWOL. Fortunately, a wise woman urged me to add my voice back in to the mix, and so I have re-nestled in a community of writing mothers. Thanks, Lori :)

Confessions of a good (enough) mother

I was talking with a friend last week about ways in which I felt I was only adequate as a parent, and she suggested I make a list. So I did, and here it is. It's also posted as a comment to a similar item that was submitted to me yesterday for DotMoms.

A good mother: feeds her child(ren) nutritionally balanced meals every day.
A good (enough) mother: feeds her child chicken nuggets at least once a day if that's all he'll eat.

A good mother: limits her child's exposure to electronics to an hour a day.
A good (enough) mother: allows her child up to 2 hours of TV a day and longer on weekends if it means more time for her to read and write.

A good mother: enrolls her child in piano lessons and makes sure he practices several times a week.
A good (enough) mother: enrolls her child in piano lessons.

A good mother: requires her child to hand-write thank you notes before playing with toys and gifts.
A good (enough) mother: buys the pre-printed thank you notes, then sometimes sends them weeks late or forgets to send them at all.

I asked Colter what makes someone a good mother, and he said if she: is nice to her kid, is good to her kid, is nice to her husband, likes the people she should (parents of kids Colter wants to play with).

I asked Gary what makes someone a good mother and he said, "homemade fried chicken and chocolate brownie pudding" (his mother's specialties).

I guess the trick is to transcend the superficial acts that make someone appear to be a good mother and focus on the deeper actions that help a child feel good about himself, his family and the world.

Which are you: a good mother or a good (enough) mother?