Which came first: the sickness or the edge?

You have to.

No!

Colterrrrrr!

Its not fair.

Its not a question of fair. You just have to do it ... now!

Why won't you listen?

I have listened, and we just keep covering the same ground over and over. You just need to do it now…

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

Eventually there is crying and yelling and on a bad day, there is slamming the door, taking away a privilege and I'm "the meanest Dad in the whole world."

That was four days ago.

Then three days ago it got worse.

Two days ago everything blew up, and I took away all privileges forever (or so it must have seemed to Colter).

Yesterday, all was calm. The conflict had peaked and petered out. A contrite (well, maybe regretful) Colter offered his drink to me, asked "please" and said "Thank you, Daddy."

Today he is coughing and sneezing. Today he is sick.

This is the pattern. It repeats itself several times a year. But it is a hard pattern to recognize. Two days into it, it seems like just a bad couple of days. At the end of four days, I'm so frazzled that I couldn't recognize a pattern if it were tattooed on my forearm. So I quickly forgive myself for not seeing it coming. How was I to know he was becoming sick? And I quickly forgive Colter. His vitality was fading and that made him cranky.

Now my question is this: Is he getting cranky for four to five days before a cold or flu, or is the stress of the conflict suppressing his immune system and allowing him to succumb?

Comments

[Marcia]

Hi Gary - I don't know the answer to your question, but I've finally realized that there IS a crankiness/impending sickness link. I know what you mean about forgiving your child and yourself!

Thanks for visiting my blog with your fabulous Chocolate Brownie Pudding served hot over vanilla ice cream. It sounds divine.

You're doing great with your new blog. I'll definately stop by again. :)

[Angie]

Yes and my five have been sick for months. they just keep doing this over and over again, it's driving me nuts! I love to read your blog so far, I'm gonna link ya!

[Robin]

I find this with Lillianna too. For me I find that when she is at the beginning of an illness she is so disagreeable that it tips me off that something is brewing! The easiest things are too overwhelming for her to do and boy is she whiney!
I try to have more patience since I know she is getting sick but sometimes I forget and yell anyways! Bad MOM!
Although your theory about being sick after the punishment has it's validity!!

[debby]

Billy does that, and he is 18. Turns into an absolute BEAST - then a couple of days later has a cold...maybe it's a MALE thing. (I love blaming stuff on the guys) Hang in there Dad!

[Philip]

Good start, love your first two posts this go'round. Suprised to see I'm linked (thanks for tellin' me...)

So, how old is Colter? That'll help us help you 'diagnose' any pattern...

[Philip]

The difficulty is recognizing the pattern beforehand, so that you can take into account the effects the cold is having on his behavior. Colds are tricky things and you usually aren't sure they have one until bam, there it's obvious. Looking back it's easy to see, but at the time it could be a myriad of things... And feeling guilt over being a strong parent with consistent behavior and discipline (which is exactly what they need all the time) is sort of part and parcel of being a good parent and being empathetic. I feel bad for being "mean ol' dad" on a daily basis--it's horrible on our parental self-esteem (I used to think I was such a nice person...old girlfriends' opinions notwithstanding) but good for the kids in the long run.

But the more I've thought about this, I've decided that my advice shouldn't be "study the clues better" but should be to slowly teach him that you have to act in a sensible manner *even when you're not feeling good.* Feeling tired, or hungry, or sick is not an excuse for poor behavior. Now, they are all *reasons* for bad behavior, and for infants, toddlers, etc. the reasons are all we're looking for, because they do not know good and bad, they're just reacting to their environment. But for a child that is eight, it is time to learn that reasons for feeling grumpy or out of sorts are not excuses for acting poorly. Tell him something along the lines of, "I want you to tell me when you're not feeling good Colter, and we'll get you some extra rest, get you something to eat, do what is necessary to get you feeling better, but at the same time, I expect you to treat me with the same respect as you always do. It's okay to feel bad, but you don't take it out on other people..." Does this make sense?

[Nancy]

I believe it's the oncoming illness that's causing the behavior. Although, I think I missed that chapter in the "mom handbook" because I always figure it out later! Much later.