She stands three-foot-four weighing all of fifty pounds. Blonde haired and blue eyed, she can smile or cry on cue, and she lies like a lawyer. My son has no interest in her other than as a friend, but never the less she has him wrapped around her little finger. She is a year younger, and not at all smarter, except for street smarts. As for that, she has plenty. Most of the time she is a good kid. Most of the time she is a good friend. But when she wants something that Colter can get for her, her hackles go up, her eyes squint, she drops on all fours and howls at the moon. Suddenly she is the hunter, and Colter the prey. She can smell his naivety, and she works it. She works it like a wolf running her prey into a corner. And she pounces. The blood sport begins, and its all a game of what can I get for me. And in comes Colter … crying.
But Colter is a forgiving soul, and despite his advanced intelligence, he is slow to pick up on social cues. So the same story plays out over and over.
We know from past experience that, in a while he will catch on. All we can do is help him see her for the lying, scheming, conniving, little two faced piece of sh!t that she really is (in the nicest way possible of course.) Eventually he'll see her for who she is and he'll call her on it. He may not be swift when it comes to people skills, but he's a brutal negotiator, and he is absolutely fearless of losing a "not such good" friend.
Did you or your kids ever have trouble seeing who was and wasn't a true friend?
NOTE: I originally posted this back in (I think it was) September, but subsequently removed it for professional reasons. Those reasons, no longer exist so I resurrected it from the bowels of the post graveyard, and would have posted it again yesterday, but some how it just didn't seem Christmasy enough. So I presented it today for your enjoyment.
UPDATE: Colter found a couple of new, nicer, more honest, (although loser with bad words) set of friends. They are brother and sister, and if you are a friend of theirs, you are family, and no one messes with family. So they had no trouble telling-off that treacherous little phony, and when Colter followed suit she finally got the idea and stopped coming around as much.
She obviously still liked Colter very much because in the days leading up to our move she started getting meaner, and meaner, culminating in her throwing a rock at colter. The rock hit Colter in the stomach, and he came in crying. I'm pretty sure that Colter had been ambivalent about his feelings for the girl, (they were close friends for a year.) I believe his tears were from the pain at the finality of their separation more than from the pain of the rock.
How do you handle when your child is blind to the faults of their friends?
It's a hard one, and I have seen both Hannah and Heidi struggle with similar situations. I try and remind them that no one is perfect (including themselves) and when they get to know someone, they will learn what their bad points are. At that point, and as time goes on, they have to decide if their friends faults are ones they can live with or ones that cause them not to be friends any longer. I try to encourage them not to let their friends hurt them too much, and I try to encourage them to live by the 'water off a ducks back' motto. I always tell them what wonderful little people they are and make them realise that they it is their responsiblity to be a good friend to those they consider their friends, but I also remind them they have the right to choose or lose any friend they wish. I can only hope and pray that this is enough!
Posted by: Amber | December 26, 2004 at 02:24 PM
Billy has had a "friend" for the past 12 years who is there when he wants something. I used to try to pint this out to him, he never wanted to hear it. I have noticed that the friend is around alot less than he used to be and I think Billy is finally closing him out of his life. That is one of those essons they have to learn I think.
Posted by: debby | December 26, 2004 at 09:21 PM
I don't have any children of my own, but I'm working on it.
I watch many East Indian women (including my family members and patients) keep certain friendships and relationships out of need. What's the need? Love, recognition, acknowledgment, no matter how unbalanced the relationship is between the two people. As much as I would like to tell them to move on and find someone better, I know they must see it for themselves. It doesn't mean I don't drop little hints where I can.
You love your son, and you want to help him. Be careful not to be too obvious, as he will ignore you just to rebel. But, if you leave certain questions open-ended, rather than pointing out the obvious, it gets Colter to think and make more independent choices.
I was just curious. Have you ever been hurt by a woman like Colter is? It's really none of my business, just thought that may be an important question to ask. When I'm angry with someone else hurting a loved one of mine, I ask myself if they remind me of someone or something I myself despise in someone I once knew.
Posted by: Kaveri | December 27, 2004 at 11:54 PM
My son had a friend for years that I didn't like - he was manipulative, would like Nick one day and hate him the next... he was on an emotional roller coaster... finally Nick came to the light and decided to find a better friend.. We are all much happier now... lol
Posted by: annette | December 28, 2004 at 12:54 AM
I've only had to deal with this on a 4-year-old level so far (and this year not at all, she has a great friend on the street) so I don't have any advice for you. I am very glad that Colter has two stronger friends (and don't worry about the language, that's going on whether you hear it or not, and it's just a part of growing up) you have shown him the light about the first girl. And even better, treat him like family. Awesome.
Posted by: Philip | December 29, 2004 at 03:42 PM
After 6 years and 9 years of helping my kids identify good friends from rotten, my boys are still going thru this. These kids are mean little sadists. I don't have a CLUE how these kids could ALL be such demon spawn. I am trying as hard as I can to tell my kids how much I care for them and how much they should care for themselves and not allow these boys and girls to treat them so terribly.. the saga continues...
Posted by: Ginxy | December 29, 2004 at 07:31 PM
I don't have a problem with seeing people for who they are, like Sally!
My big brother gives me hard newgys to my head, which does not feel to good, but he's really great, I think.
My friend Alice is nice, just sometimes she looks like a beaver when she has this funny look on her face for some reason, maybe it's because it's that time of the month, whatever that means.
My friend Sticks is kinda nice, just that she looks like a stick!
Nadia is great, just wish she stop farting, because it stinks!
Old Lady Bags is a great friend, just loves the word "f a c k".
I hope if I ever have kids that there friends are as nice as my friends, but don't smell, say the word f a c k, or look like a beaver!
Posted by: Rockchild | December 29, 2004 05:26 AM
Posted by: Gary M. | June 11, 2005 at 08:37 AM